A**holeology by Chris Illuminati

Author:Chris Illuminati
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: epub, ebook
Publisher: F+W Media
Published: 2011-06-04T16:00:00+00:00

Your New Job Blows: Get Your Old Job Back

Everyone should look ahead to the next step in their career. Especially the assholes. Often a job offer comes along that seems to be too good to be true and an asshole jumps at the chance and jumps ship. Especially when he starts getting passed up for promotions. This new offer not only seemed too good to be true — it really was. Sadly, you learned that the hard way. The new ship has a ton of holes and is sinking faster than Kirstie Alley in a dunk tank.

The Problem

You can still taste the Best of Luck cake from the office going-away party on your tongue while you sit in your new office and wonder how you got duped into taking such a terrible job. You can’t stay here and sink along with the S.S. Minnow and you can’t take any time off to search and interview for another new job. You’ll have to go crawling back. Brush your teeth first, though. You shouldn’t really still taste cake.

The ’Hole Truth

You left your old gig only forty-eight hours ago, so there is a still a chance, however slim, that you can go back without crawling on your hands and knees. If you left on good terms and didn’t burn any bridges, the job could once again be yours, but it’s going to take some bald-faced lies. Here are a few options.

OPTION 1 TELL YOUR OLD COMPANY YOU GOT SCREWED.

Make up a lie that you showed up Monday for your new job and there was no new job. The guy you were supposed to replace never left and they just forgot to notify you about the retracted offer.

OPTION 2 ACT LIKE YOU NEVER LEFT.

The two weeks’ notice, the signed letter of resignation, the going-away party were all just a figment of everyone’s imagination. Now, who wants to hit up Dunkin’ Donuts?!?

OPTION 3 CALL YOUR OLD BOSS AND BE HONEST.

You took the job because it was a career advance, but after less than a day of work you realize the place is one casual Friday away from chaos. Maybe your old boss doesn’t have any prospects for your position, hasn’t set up any interviews, and really isn’t in the mood to train a new person to take your place. He might consider a return if he can’t find a suitable replacement.

OPTION 4 AN ASSHOLE ALWAYS LANDS ON HIS FEET AND MAKES THE BEST OUT OF EVERY TERRIBLE SITUATION.

Give the new job one more chance, but play by your own rules. The worst they can do is fire you, and you’ll collect unemployment until something better comes along. There is also T.G.I. Friday’s, the mall, a paper route, or a hundred mind-numbing gigs that are better than working a job you hate. Even if your old company doesn’t take you back, just quit and work any gig until you find something else. You’ll probably make manager in no time. They don’t get many applicants that can make correct change and have all their teeth.

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