A Man Named Dave by Dave Pelzer

Author:Dave Pelzer [Pelzer, Dave]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi, pdf
ISBN: 9780452281905
Publisher: Penguin
Published: 1999-01-02T08:00:00+00:00

I could not say the words. And for that I despised myself. How could I allow someone into my home and not in my heart? I thought after everything Patsy had done for me and all she had been through, she deserved better. “It’s okay,” Patsy sniffed as she wiped away her tears, “I understand, I know, I do. But one day you will, I know it. One day you’ll love me.”

Later, in the early morning hours, I lay wide awake with Patsy snoring beside me. Part of the reason I could not sleep was due to the time-zone changes of flying back from England. But I knew the true reason for my lack of sleep: my guilty conscience eating at me. I was now living with someone, and as I searched my heart, I didn’t know if I could ever have the same strong feelings for Patsy that she seemed to have for me. How could I be so cold when Patsy was filled with joy? Was it because after years of toughening myself to survive, I couldn’t break the pattern? Or was it because I didn’t want to? As much as I struggled, I could not find an answer. I only knew that I was getting myself deeper into something I did not fully understand. All I could do now was follow through with my commitment.

The next afternoon I phoned Alice. After I told her of my overseas trip, the anxiety grew too much for me. “Mom,” I stammered, “Patsy and I, well we decided, we’re living together now. If that’s all right?”

I could hear Mom take a deep breath. “Well, I guess you’ve both given this some serious thought.”

“Oh, yeah,” I broke in, “we ah, we’ve talked a lot.”

“And she has the same feelings for you as you do for her?”

I felt crushed. “Yeah,” I swallowed. “Patsy, she – she treats me great and she’s had some hard times, too.” I caught myself. I was saying anything I could think of that would make this easier. “I’m sorry, Mom, I know you don’t agree. I just, I just respect you and Pop too much. I didn’t want to live a lie.” I paused, waiting for Alice to lay into me. I didn’t even hear her breathe. “Mom, Mom, are you there?”

“Yes, I’m here. It’s just ” She stopped, and as she did, I hated myself. All I could do was wait for the bomb to drop. “It’s just, well I took Harold to the doctor ”

I felt a surge of relief that the subject had shifted away from Patsy and me. “So,” I put in, “it’s the flu, right? And all Pop has to do is stay home and rest for a while?”

“David,” Alice said, “Harold has cancer. He’s scheduled for therapy, but the doctor thinks it’s too advanced. He’s gonna fight it, so for right now all we can do is pray. I’m happy for the two of you, but for now let’s keep this between us.

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