The Zen of You and Me by Diane Musho Hamilton

Author:Diane Musho Hamilton
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Shambhala

THE PRACTICE

Complete these sentences:

1. When I hear the word “conflict,” I . . .

2. When a conflict arises, my body . . .

3. In my family when a conflict arose, we . . .

4. If I could change one thing about myself in dealing with conflict, I would . . .

11

DIFFERENCES IN STYLE

Style is the difference,

a way of doing, a way of being done.

—CHARLES BUKOWSKI1

Willie’s most powerful gift is being. He knows how to be, plain and simple. He called me up recently and said, “I am just happy, you know.” I asked him, “What is it that is making you so happy?” And he said, “It’s my own.” Willie’s happiness is not usually based on what he did today. It doesn’t depend on how he is seen by others or on an idea of how things should be. It comes simply and directly from his being. He has a quiet bliss about him that rises up from his simplicity.

I love Willie’s differences. They wake me up. Recently, we were visiting my mother, and she asked him if he was interested in getting a job. I thought it was a good question for her to pose to her young grandson. I perked up, interested in what he would say. He replied only, “I like my life.” He didn’t respond defensively like I would have; he didn’t feel criticized. He didn’t even for a moment consider the idea that he should get a job. He just explained that he likes everything the way it is. This took me and my mother both by surprise, leaving us without advice or a reprimand. Enough said.

Willie is not always in a good mood. Just like the rest of us, he can feel threatened, defensive, or reactive. His anxiety usually takes the form of dead weight. He becomes so stubborn and immovable that he seems aligned with the great force of gravity itself. I remember once when Willie was about twelve, he was part of a New Year’s program at the mall downtown. At midnight, he was supposed to go up on the stage and make a New Year’s resolution. He became so anxious while we were waiting that his body became heavier and heavier and heavier, until he literally slid down the wall into a heap on the ground.

You can’t reason with Willie when he is in this state. You can’t comfort him either because he stops communicating altogether. He becomes extremely dense. As my aunt used to say, “He is a hard dog to get off the porch.” He just hunkers down. So with little time to spare, I gave a quick shout, commanding him to get up and go up to the stage. I didn’t deliver a personal attack; it was more like a military directive to help cut through his heaviness. He made it up and onto the stage and delivered his New Year’s bit just fine. And he was happy he did. This is an example of how our differences can meet up and allow us to help each other.

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