The Relationship Skills Workbook by Julia B. Colwell

Author:Julia B. Colwell
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sounds True

1.The complainer requests two to five minutes of the listener’s time.

2.The listener agrees and prepares by breathing, noticing body signals, and letting her body move around.

3.The complainer complains full out! Gestures, dramatic expression and tone, and big movements are all welcomed and encouraged by the listener.

4.After the allotted time, go do something fun!

RELATIONSHIP AS EMOTIONAL HEALER

chapter 10

I want to revisit the powerful idea that what we are triggered by can heal us.

What I notice with couples that are having trouble is that they think they know what the problem is. (“He never listens to me.” “She never wants to be intimate.” “I’m just not in love.”) They don’t notice the real culprit: Reactive Brain. This oversight seems based in the belief that they should never be triggered. The logical (but misinformed) strategy becomes to spend time and energy trying to train their partner to not trigger them. Do any of these statements sound familiar?

“Please don’t use that tone with me.”

“I wish you would just give me some time to transition when I walk through the door.”

“You’re such a downer. Can’t you cheer up? I would feel better.”

“Why are you always so upbeat? I think you must be bipolar.”

“This was supposed to be a romantic evening. Now you’ve ruined it!”

“You’re just like my (father/mother/sister/brother/perpetrator/ex).”

“If you would just stop (fill in the blank), I would be able to be more (vulnerable/comfortable/open/sexual/emotional/fill in the blank).”

With the idea that Reactive Brain is to be avoided at all costs, partners end up with lists of things they’re supposed to do or not do in order to keep the other person from being triggered. (I know this from trying — and failing — to train myself and my partner to follow our lists. I ultimately realized that when I was triggered, I couldn’t even remember what was on my own list, let alone what I was supposed to do for her.)

If the goal is to stay out of Reactive Brain, when someone is triggered, it becomes a signal that someone failed. In other words, the couple’s efforts to do the right thing shut off the very flow that allows for passion and authenticity.

Reactive Brain is part and parcel of being human. It’s part of how our brain functions, remember?

Let’s take a moment to appreciate Reactive Brain, and to forgive ourselves — and each other — for having one.

Sure, we think and say awful things when we’re in Reactive Brain. So do our partners. We act like the threatened mammals that we experience ourselves to be. The trigger gets pulled, and we yell or collapse or imagine homicide or suicide or just getting the hell out of there. Oh well. That’s how our species managed to survive until now, by reacting automatically and immediately to threat.

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