The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Further Radio Scripts by Douglas Adams

Author:Douglas Adams [Adams, Douglas]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781447227588
Publisher: Pan Macmillan UK

INT. – THE BOOK AMBIENCE

FX: Arthur’s cottage interior. Arthur getting breakfast business under:

THE VOICE: Arthur Dent has awoken on Earth, the planet he thought he had lost forever. No longer is he the wild-looking creature who arrived home last night. His hair is washed, his chin clean shaven, his laundry done. His dressing gown is no longer decorated with the junk-food condiment stains from a hundred grimy spaceports. This morning he found the three least hairy things in the fridge, put them on a plate and watched them intently for two minutes. Since they’d made no attempt to move within that time, he called them breakfast and ate them. Between them they killed a virulent space disease he’d picked up without knowing it in the Flargathon Gas Swamps a few days earlier, which otherwise would have killed off half the population of the Western Hemisphere, blinded the other half and driven everyone else psychotic and sterile.

So this particular incarnation of Earth was lucky there.

Now he has some calls to make. What he most wants to do is locate and establish contact with Fenny, the disturbed young woman whose brother gave him a lift home last night, and who’s been exercising Arthur’s imagination ever since. But first he must deal with the mass of contradictions his return journey has precipitated. This proves less tricky than he anticipated.

FX: Phone up, dialling.

ARTHUR: (Slightly nervous) Ah, good morning, BBC? This is Arthur Dent. The L.E. Producer? No, really, I am. Yes. Look, just put me through to my Head of Department, would you? Thank you. Ah. Oh – hello?

GEOFFREY: (Distorted) Yes, hallo, make it quick, the pubs are open.

ARTHUR: Geoffrey? Arthur here. Look, sorry I haven’t been in for a while but I’ve gone mad.

GEOFFREY: Ah. Really? We were wondering. Oh – hang on— (Yells, off) The usual for me, Richard. (Back into mouthpiece) Erm, Arthur – yeah, look, not to worry. Thought it was probably something like that. Happens here all the time. What you need is something to ease you back in. Tell you what, there’s a quiz show about wallpaper going begging. How soon can we expect you?

ARTHUR: Erm – phooof . . . When do hedgehogs stop hibernating?

GEOFFREY: (Distorted) Hang on . . . (Off) Maureen, when do hedgehogs stop hibernating? (Beat) No, that’s bats . . . Uh-huh. Really? Good grief— (Back into mouthpiece) Sometime in spring, we think. Probably.

ARTHUR: Right. Well, add a few minutes for me to have a shave and I’ll be in after that.

GEOFFREY: Great. And don’t worry, we’ll have your office cleared out and cleaned up for your return.

ARTHUR: Gosh. Thanks.

GEOFFREY: You’ll never know it had writers sleeping in it, really.

FX: Phone down.

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