The Divorce Survival Guide by Calistoga Press

Author:Calistoga Press
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Callisto Media Inc.

If you see any of these symptoms of stress, anxiety, and anger, it’s time to talk with your child and find out what she’s thinking and feeling. You may hear things that are painful for you, particularly if she is angry with you for your role in making these changes happen. You may feel as though your child can’t understand what happened to cause the divorce, or that she doesn’t know how hard it’s been on you. This is not the time to say, “You think it’s hard on you? You can’t possibly know how tough this is for me,” or anything else that will make your child feel guilty for expressing her feelings. Your child needs to be honest with you, so do your best to listen and help her express herself. Understand that your child’s reaction to divorce is much like grief. There’s been an enormous change in the life she knew, and she may not like the way her new life is turning out.

When a child expresses stress or frustration as a result of a divorce, it is also not the time to throw that expression in your ex-spouse’s face. Blaming your ex for your child’s stress is exactly what your child fears you will do, and it is likely one of the reasons she has not expressed herself up to this point: She does not want to cause any more friction between her parents by admitting that she struggles to cope with your divorce. Instead of chastising your child or your ex-spouse, this is the time to say to your child, “I understand how you feel, because I feel a lot of that, too. I’m glad you’ve told me, so we can think about how to get through this together.” Understand that you can’t fix everything with one conversation. In the coming days, however, you can begin to address your child’s stress and anxiety by eliminating some of the behaviors that cause the stress in the first place.

Ten Ways to Address Your Child’s Need for Security

Make sure your child understands the reason for the divorce as you’ve presented it. Since the first time you told your child that you and your spouse were splitting up, he may have heard an argument or seen behavior that made him think there’s a darker, hidden reason—one that might even have something to do with him. Reassure him that the issue is as you said it is.

Tell your child you love him. Parents can forget to do this in the midst of other issues, but your child needs to know that while your love for your spouse is gone, you still love your children and always will.

Establish schedules and routines. The sooner your child’s home life normalizes, the faster he will get past the initial turmoil and upheaval of the divorce. Routine establishes what comes next in a child’s life, whether it’s in the next hour or the next month. It can be very comforting as he tries to make sense of the changes in his life.

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