Sex Is... by Pallavi Barnwal

Author:Pallavi Barnwal
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: null
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing

The Journey of the Acceptance of My Sexuality

The liberating years for my sexuality were 2015–2017. Liberating because I had untied my sexuality from the peg of marriage and had run amok like a wild cow. I locked horns with men and shed the burden of stress. These years marked my long spiral of illicit relationships with married men. Param was a senior at college and later a visiting lecturer. He was different from the rest of our teaching staff. Tall, with light curly hair, feline eyes and puffed cheeks. His voice had a coarse texture probably because of chain smoking. He had an accomplished career that was a precedent among our alumni. He would always assign us tough assignments as homework and ask us questions whose answers nobody knew. We would all be on our computers for hours, fervently searching for the answers to his questions but all our efforts were in vain. It was an amusing sight whenever Param entered the class. He would ask the class how many of them had done the assignment and around five students would raise their hands. Customarily, the rest of the students would walk out of the class. I sometimes tried to trick him by pretending to have done my homework but he would see right through me.

On one of the occasions, I continued to sit in the class without having done my assignment. He walked into the class and asked his usual question. I neither raised my hand nor walked out of the class. I had made up my mind to sit through his class irrespective of his irrational demands. It was not my fault, I thought. The assignments were impractical and I tried my best but could not finish them. Param walked up to my desk and asked me for my assignment. I had nothing to give him. ‘Leave!’ he demanded. I walked out.

That was how my initial encounters with Param went, best described as walking in followed by walking out of his class. He and I spoke again, after more than a decade. This was a time when he could no longer direct me. What a big leveller time was! Sometimes when you feel that the other person has gained total control of you, you become emotionally dependent on and vulnerable to that person and then a few years down the line, that person ceases to matter. I see our grandparents conveniently forgotten by our parents. I have seen dead spouses being forgotten as their partners move on with their lives.

I was starting a business and happened to talk to him on the phone. The talks were prolonged as he guided me on how to set up a business and advised me on things I should keep in mind. During one of our late-night talks (there was a time zone difference), we started talking about our college life. I fondly remembered the time and managed to tease him on how he would unfailingly evict me from all of his classes.

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