Secrets of Sex and Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn

Author:Shaunti Feldhahn
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Marriage/Sexuality;Married people—Sexual behavior;Sex in marriage;REL105000;REL012050;FAM000000
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2022-11-14T00:00:00+00:00

So let’s pause with a question for men: How often do you worry about whether your wife loves you? Or how the relationship is going? Some of you (particularly in struggling marriages) will say those thoughts arise regularly. But most tell us they just don’t come up. That’s because you’re not dealing with a deep “Am I loveable?” question in your heart.

Now, to be clear, this vulnerability doesn’t mean your wife thinks you don’t love her. But something inside her may always be subconsciously looking to you for signals about the answer to that question.

This is why most women feel an emotional need to feel loved and cherished. To feel beautiful and special. To feel pursued. Whatever makes her feel that way (which could be as simple as your texting “I love you” in the middle of her workday) isn’t just nice but powerful, because it is speaking affirmation directly to the area of greatest insecurity.

And that is why the scene in Cinderella so unexpectedly touches the hearts of women who have long ago set aside fairy tales; it tugs at a deep longing to be someone who is worth going after—and who is special enough that her man takes delight in pursuing her.

Men

In general, the most acute insecurity and question in the heart of men is not “Am I loveable?” but “Am I able?” In other words, am I adequate? Do I have what it takes? Am I any good at what I do?

And these questions aren’t resolved just because a man is a great dad or a famous CEO. They just morph into, “Does she believe I’m a great dad?” “Is she proud of me?” “Does she see what I’ve done and say it is good?”

Men tend to project an “I’ve got this covered” confidence, but privately tell us it is just a mask. Three out of four men (76 percent) on our workplace survey for The Male Factor said, “I am not always as confident as I look.” That underground self-doubt is so painful that most men shy away from feeling it at all costs—especially with their wife. Three in four men on the For Women Only survey said that if they had to make a choice, feeling inadequate was far more painful than feeling unloved: If they had to, they would give up feeling their wife loved them if they could feel that she respected them! (See chart below.)

Women rightly point out, “I need respect too.” Of course you do! But in focus groups and events with thousands of women over the years, most women—if forced to choose—would not give up feeling loved to get respect and appreciation. Most men would.

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