Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman

Author:John Gottman [Gottman, John]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 1997-07-14T16:00:00+00:00

WHEN YOU’RE PRESSED FOR TIME

Today’s families spend much of their time together watching the clock, trying to get themselves off to daycare, school, and work on schedule. Although kids’ emotions often surface during such stressful transitions, these are usually not ideal times for Emotion Coaching, which is a process. Kids are not robots and we can’t expect them to move through emotional experiences according to an arbitrary timetable.

A businesswoman in one of our groups perfectly described the folly of trying to rush a child through Emotion Coaching. She was dropping her daughter off at daycare one morning on her way to an important client meeting. Arriving at the door to the daycare center, the four-year-old suddenly bolted. “My teacher Katie’s not here,” the girl told her mother. “I don’t want to stay.”

The woman looked at her watch and knew that she could spend only five minutes on the matter without being late. Mentally reviewing the steps to Emotion Coaching, she sat her daughter down and started working the problem. “You seem upset … Tell me what’s going on … You feel uncomfortable because your favorite teacher is not here … I know how you’re feeling … You feel sad about starting the day without her … I have to go soon … What can we do to help you feel more comfortable?”

Meanwhile, her daughter sat there, sputtering answers and fighting back tears. The minutes ticked by without a resolution. The girl seemed to sense her mother’s urgency and the pressure only made matters worse. The more the mother probed, the more upset the daughter became. After twenty minutes of frustration, the woman finally gave up and pushed her sobbing daughter into the arms of the substitute teacher. Driving like a madwoman, she dashed to her appointment. “When I got there, my client was gone,” the woman lamented.

Reflecting back, the mother saw her mistake. “I gave her a mixed message. I told her I was concerned and willing to help, but I was watching the clock and she knew it. That made her feel more abandoned than ever.” In retrospect, the mother believes she should have simply told her daughter that her attendance at daycare that morning was nonnegotiable; that they would talk later about her “uncomfortable feelings.” Then, leaving her daughter to her own emerging social skills and the able hands of the substitute teacher, she should have left for her appointment.

In an ideal world, we’d always have time to sit and talk with our kids as feelings come up. But for most parents, that’s not always an option. It’s important, therefore, to designate a time—preferably at the same period each day—when you can talk to your child without time pressures or interruptions. Families of small children often do this before bedtime or during a bath. With school-age kids and teenagers, heart-to-heart chats often happen as you share chores, such as washing dishes or folding laundry. Regularly scheduled drives to music lessons or other outings provide more opportunities. By designating

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