Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) by Marshall B. Rosenberg & Arun Gandhi

Author:Marshall B. Rosenberg & Arun Gandhi
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Puddledancer Press
Published: 2003-09-01T00:00:00+00:00

These questions require us to sense what’s going on within other people, while inviting their corrections should we have sensed incorrectly. Notice the difference between these questions and the ones below:

“What did I do that you are referring to?”

“How are you feeling?” “Why are you feeling that way?”

“What are you wanting me to do about it?”

This second set of questions asks for information without first sensing the speaker’s reality. Though they may appear to be the most direct way to connect with what’s going on within the other person, I’ve found that questions like these are not the safest route to obtain the information we seek. Many such questions may give speakers the impression that we’re a schoolteacher examining them or a psychotherapist working on a case. If we do decide to ask for information in this way, however, I’ve found that people feel safer if we first reveal the feelings and needs within ourselves that are generating the question. Thus, instead of asking someone, “What did I do?” we might say, “I’m frustrated because I’d like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I’ve done that leads you to see me in this way?” While this step may not be necessary—or even helpful—in situations where our feelings and needs are clearly conveyed by the context or tone of voice, I would recommend it particularly during moments when the questions we ask are accompanied by strong emotions.

When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.

How do we determine if an occasion calls for us to reflect people’s messages back to them? Certainly if we are unsure that we have accurately understood the message, we might use paraphrasing to elicit a correction to our guess. But even if we are confident that we’ve understood them, we may sense the other party wanting confirmation that their message has been accurately received. They may even express this desire overtly by asking, “Is that clear?” or “Do you understand what I mean?” At such moments, hearing a clear paraphrase will often be more reassuring to the speaker than hearing simply, “Yes, I understand.”

For example, shortly after participating in an NVC training, a volunteer at a hospital was requested by some nurses to talk to an elderly patient: “We’ve told this woman she isn’t that sick and that she’d get better if she took her medicine, but all she does is sit in her room all day long repeating, ‘I want to die. I want to die.’” The volunteer approached the elderly woman, and as the nurses had predicted, found her sitting alone, whispering over and over, “I want to die.”

“So you would like to die,” the volunteer empathized. Surprised, the woman broke off her chant and appeared relieved. She began to talk about how no one understood how terrible she was feeling. The volunteer continued to reflect back the woman’s feelings; before long, such warmth had entered their dialogue that they were sitting with their arms locked around each other.

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