Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB by by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Author:by Marshall B. Rosenberg [Rosenberg, by Marshall B.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: ePub Bud (www.epubbud.com)
Published: 2012-02-05T05:00:00+00:00

Sustaining Empathy

I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief. When we proceed too quickly to what people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs; instead, they may get the impression that we’re in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem. Furthermore, an initial message is often like the tip of an iceberg; it may be followed by yet unexpressed, but related—and often more powerful—feelings. By maintaining our attention on what’s going on within others, we offer them a chance to fully explore and express their interior selves. We would stem this flow if we were to shift attention too quickly either to their request or to our own desire to express ourselves.

Staying with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.

Suppose a mother comes to us, saying, “My child is impossible. No matter what I tell him to do, he doesn’t listen.” We might reflect her feelings and needs by saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling desperate and would like to find some way of connecting with your son.” Such a paraphrase often encourages a person to look within. If we have accurately reflected her statement, the mother might touch upon other feelings: “Maybe it’s my fault. I’m always yelling at him.” As the listener, we would continue to stay with the feelings and needs being expressed and say, for example, “Are you feeling guilty because you would have liked to have been more understanding of him than you have been at times?” If the mother continues to sense understanding in our reflection, she might move further into her feelings and declare, “I’m just a failure as a mother.” We continue to remain with the feelings and needs being expressed: “So you’re feeling discouraged and want to relate differently to him?” We persist in this manner until the person has exhausted all her feelings surrounding this issue.

We know the speaker has received adequate empathy when a. we sense a release of tension, or b. the flow of words comes to a halt.

What evidence is there that we’ve adequately empathized with the other person? First, when an individual realizes that everything going on within has received full empathic understanding, they will experience a sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by noticing a corresponding release of tension in our own body. A second even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always ask, “Is there more that you wanted to say?”

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