Noisy Outlaws, Unfriendly Blobs, and Some Other Things That Aren't As Scary by McSweeney's

Author:McSweeney's [Thompson, Ted]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-375-89398-8
Publisher: Random House Children's Books
Published: 2005-11-11T16:00:00+00:00

Grimble came in and found himself saluting the gas cooker to which was fixed a note which said: GRIMBLE, STAND AT EASE. EAT COLD MEAT AND SALAD. WELL DONE.

On the table was a leg of something that could have been an elephant but was probably beef. There was also lettuce and tomato and cucumber and beetroot and radishes and oil and vinegar and salt and lemon juice.

On a shelf was a box of eggs, and a book called Army Manual About Eggs.

He propped the book against one of the lettuces and began to read:

Attention, said the first sentence. This is an egg.

LESSON ONE: Is It a Hard-Boiled Egg? Grimble looked at the egg and said, “I don’t know.” Well then, said the book, spin it the way you would spin a top, and if it stands up it is boiled. If it squelches around slowly it means the yolk is galumping about inside the shell and it is raw.

He turned the eggs and worked out which were raw and which were boiled.

LESSON TWO: Open the Eggs and See If You Were Right. This was going to be fun. He took the piles of raw eggs and hard-boiled eggs, and saw how many mistakes he had made.

LESSON THREE: How to Make a Halved Hard-Boiled Egg. Take knife in right hand. Hold egg with left hand. Push down knife.

LESSON FOUR: How to Make Salad Cream Called Mayonnaise.

Having made the mayonnaise, he dipped the hard-boiled egg halves into it and ate them. As there were lots and lots of pages of the manual still to read, he decided to look to the end of the book because usually, if you turn to the last page, you get the best part.

He turned to the last page and it said, GRIMBLE. ATTENTION. WIPE YOUR MOUTH. GO TO BED.

He stood up, saluted smartly, and left Colonel Featherstone’s house.

When he got home he brushed his teeth, said his prayers, and was just going to sleep when he remembered his homework. It was to write a poem about a horse. So he got a piece of paper and wrote:

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