Let Your Life Speak by Parker J. Palmer

Author:Parker J. Palmer
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781119177944
Publisher: Wiley
Published: 2015-06-06T08:55:00+00:00

CHAPTER IV

All the Way Down

A PERSONAL PREFACE

Midway on our life’s journey, I found myself

In dark woods, the right road lost. To tell

About those woods is hard—so tangled and rough

And savage that thinking of it now, I feel

The old fear stirring: death is hardly more bitter.

And yet, to treat the good I found there as well

I’ll tell what I saw….

—From The Inferno of Dante, Robert Pinsky, trans.1

Midway in my life’s journey, “way closed” again, this time with a ferocity that felt fatal: I found myself in the dark woods called clinical depression, a total eclipse of light and hope. But after I emerged from my sojourn in the dark and had given myself several years to absorb its meaning, I saw how pivotal that passage had been on my pilgrimage toward selfhood and vocation. Though I recommend it to no one—and I do not need to, for it arrives unbidden in too many lives—depression compelled me to find the river of life hidden beneath the ice.

Still, I was unable to write about my depression for a very long time; what I learned and how I learned it remained raw to the touch. Then I was invited to contribute to a journal on the theme of the “wounded healer” in memory of Henri Nouwen, who was my mentor and my friend. If I were to honor Henri’s life in a manner true to his spirit, I had no choice but to write about my own deepest wound.

Henri himself spent time on the dark side of the moon, and he talked and wrote openly about it.2 But during the years when he and I saw a great deal of each other, I rarely spoke to him about my own darkness; even in his gracious presence, I felt too ashamed. I am no longer ashamed, but I still find depression difficult to speak about because the experience is so unspeakable. Yet Henri’s spirit continues to call me and many others to more openness and vulnerability, more shared humanity and mutual healing, even—and perhaps especially—when the subject is so difficult that words seem to fail.

My only real fear about publishing these reflections is that someone may take the wrong counsel from them. Depression comes in many forms. Some are primarily genetic or biochemical and will respond only to drugs; some are primarily situational and will respond only to inner work that leads to self-knowledge, choices, and change; some lie in between.

Though I needed medication for brief periods to stabilize my brain chemistry, my depression was largely situational. I will tell the truth about it as far as I am able. But what is true for me is not necessarily true for others. I am not writing a prescription—I am simply telling my story. If it illumines your story, or the story of someone you care about, I will be grateful. If it helps you or someone you care about turn suffering into guidance for vocation, I will be more grateful still.

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