It's Got to Be Perfect: the memoirs of a modern-day matchmaker by Hill Haley

Author:Hill, Haley [Hill, Haley]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Matador
Published: 2013-12-19T08:00:00+00:00

PART TWO

Chapter Fourteen

‘Blonde hair, blue eyes and big tits,’ he said to Mia.

Fortunately for him, in the four years we’d worked together, she had learned to temper her eye rolls and her expression was fixed at something that could have even been described as earnest.

‘Would you consider green eyes?’ Mia asked.

‘No,’ he said, pushing up his sleeves to reveal a diamond-encrusted Rolex. ‘I dated someone with green eyes once. It didn’t work out.’

I continued typing on my keyboard on the table next to them, brushing the hair away from my face to sneak a sideways glance at him.

He wore a shiny grey suit, the garish end of Gucci. His watch was obnoxiously bling like a bank balance on his wrist, his hair: blond, highlighted. Tan: deep, natural. Eyes: blue, sparkling. Smile: cheeky, lopsided. Teeth: even, white. Age: I’d guess, thirty-seven. Height: around 5ft 7in, unfortunate considering his other physical attributes. Body language: overtly male, legs splayed, hand near crotch, shoulders wide. Eye contact: good. Champagne choice: predictably expensive. Overall assessment: inflated ego, directly proportional to, and fully dependent on, his net assets.

I looked over at Mia, watching how her dark hair hid her face as she leant over a notepad and began writing. He sat opposite her, his hands miming two large beach balls.

‘Like this,’ he said, a self-satisfied smile sweeping across his face. ‘Are you looking?’

Mia raised her head and the curtain lifted. I could tell she was fighting to suppress an emotion. I supposed it was either amusement or rage, but I couldn’t quite tell.

‘Yes, got it,’ she replied. ‘Please continue.’

‘And I like nipples that point upwards.’

‘Upwards-pointing nipples,’ she said, scribbling away.

‘And I prefer pink to brown.’

‘Preferably pink.’ She paused and looked up, eyes narrowed. ‘Is that a deal breaker? The pink nipples?’

He weighed his head from side to side and I pictured a tiny cluster of brain cells rolling around inside his skull.

‘Yes. Definitely pink. I’m not fussed which shade.’

‘There are shades?’

‘Of course, from light pink, like the colour of your nail varnish, to a dark pink, a bit like your lipstick.’

‘Wow, you learn something every day.’

‘I’m surprised you didn’t know that.’

‘Surprised?’

‘Yes, you being a –’

‘Matchmaker?’

‘No, being a woman. You must have seen hundreds of your friends’ nipples.’

‘My friends don’t have hundreds of nipples.’

‘You know what I mean.’

‘Oh, you mean all those topless pillow fights we have?’

He nodded and winked.

She locked him with Medusa eyes. ‘Right, now your turn.’

‘What else do you need to know?’

She ripped out a sheet of paper from her notepad and slid it across the table along with a pen. ‘Draw an outline of your penis for me, please.’

‘An outline?’ he asked.

I giggled inwardly and wondered if he had selected the wrong word for clarification.

‘Yes, sketch the outline and then add in any unusual features.’ Her expression remained fixed at a plausible serious.

He picked up the pen. ‘Does it have to be to scale?’

‘Preferably. Or else you can indicate the measurements.’

With an expression of intense concentration and with a tight grip on the pencil, he soon completed his sketch.

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