I Am Not OK by K. Lucas

Author:K. Lucas [Lucas, K.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781958445006
Publisher: Shadow Press
Published: 2022-07-04T16:00:00+00:00

31

Ed

Now

It’s hard not to think about everything, despite not wanting to. I try to focus on when Em will be back. The hours are slow to pass, taking an eternity to tick by. Inside, my mind is a frenzy. I wish my thoughts could be as still as my body.

I don’t hold it against her; it’s not her fault.

When I’m finally notified about Em’s arrival, I smile for the first time since I’ve been here. My sister and I have always been close—that will never change, not even now. There are walls between us—literal bars—but it doesn’t matter. I won’t let it.

The guard leads me out to the same table as before. She lights up when she sees me, which makes me feel marginally better. “Thanks for coming,” I say.

“Oh, Ed—of course. I’ll come visit as long as they’ll let me.”

I think about her not visiting and my smile falls. How often will I really be able to see her?

“What’s wrong?” Em asks.

“Nothing.”

“Have you—have you thought about what I asked?”

“There’s nothing to think about.”

The sight of Em crying guts me. Her face crumbles. She tries to wipe away the tears, but they roll down her cheeks faster than she can catch them. “Why won’t you see that they can help you?” she asks.

I don’t want to think about it, but for her sake, I do. What will happen if I go down this road. I picture a much different outcome than before. No longer alone in a cell but forced into groups full of sick people and session after session of therapy.

“What if you don’t even have to go to trial?” Em says. “Maybe just explaining everything to the DA or to a judge will be enough.” Her eyes light up at the thought.

“I’m not sure it will be that easy—”

“At least you can try!”

“Em—"

“Do it for me, Eddie—Ed.”

I sigh. She still can’t not say Eddie. I want to laugh at how hard she’s trying, and it makes me smile, despite everything. “You always loved that stupid name.”

Em smiles back. “You always hated it.”

I nod my agreement and laugh. “Yeah. I still do.” I ask, “Why do you want this so much? It changes nothing.”

“It does, though. It changes so much. You would be getting help—and getting better. You maybe wouldn’t be locked up for the rest of your life—depending on everything. I don’t know how it works, but I know you shouldn’t live the rest of your life not getting the help you need.”

The more we talk about it, the more hope grows in her eyes. It’s wrong, all wrong. I shouldn’t even be considering it, but I can’t help wanting to do it for her. I think about the way I’ll be living—no longer an inmate, but a patient. I don’t like it. Not at all. Em is right about one thing though—no one should have to live the rest of their life without getting the help they need.

“Are you still seeing Doug?” I ask.

Em looks at me in surprise.

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