How to Leave Your Psychopath by Maddy Anholt

Author:Maddy Anholt [Anholt, Maddy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Pan Macmillan UK
Published: 2021-12-24T17:00:00+00:00

DO THE CONTROLLED

BECOME THE CONTROLLERS?

When we looked at codependency, we observed how, when growing up in an addicted household – whether that be surrounded by substance abuse, alcoholism, or something else – the child may learn to become the caregiver, the rescuer. It’s expected they will continue this role to adulthood.

With this in mind, if a child is raised in a household where either one of the parents is throttled by control, the child is conditioned in one of two ways. They surmise:

It’s OK to control, this is the only way to get on top.

It’s normal to be controlled, it’s easier to keep our head down.

It’s fight or flight: if a child sees their mother controlled by their father, continually criticized, coerced, destroyed, do they side with the mother or the father? It’s not the child’s responsibility to protect a parent, although this may be what they attempt to do. Equally, they could grow to believe a false rhetoric that their mother is weak, even deserving of the abuse, and thus, it’s safer to emulate the abuser.

Let’s look at it another way. If a woman is being demeaned and subjected to abuse, how well is she expected to parent? Now, it may sound like I am trying to force blame onto the mother; I’m not. We’re looking at facts. The victim – the mother, in this case – is constantly navigating around violent mood swings, lack of sleep and ingrained fear . . . how could she possibly show her child the love they deserve?

It’s likely the mother will do her best to shield the child from the abuse, she will try to manage the needs of the child, but parenting in this sense is like attempting to run an ultra-marathon on your hands and knees with a tumble-dryer strapped on your back. Unreservedly gruelling and excruciating.

How does seeing this maltreatment impact the child?

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