Great sex starts at 50 by Tracey Cox

Author:Tracey Cox
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Allen & Unwin
Published: 2019-11-29T00:00:00+00:00

Is an erect penis ‘evidence’ of desire?

Here’s what women said when I asked them if they felt offended when their partner couldn’t get an erection.

‘I never took it personally.’

‘He’s nearly 60, of course he’s going to have problems. It’s nothing to do with me.’

‘Maybe a little disappointed but never offended.’

‘I’m overjoyed. I’d prefer sex without intercourse these days—no soreness afterwards and no UTI.’

‘I’m secure in myself. I don’t relate my attractiveness to his erection difficulties.’

Younger women might question how ‘sexy’ they are when men’s penises don’t bound eagerly to their tummies the second they undress, but most older women are far too realistic and grounded to worry.

I’m back interviewing James, two glasses of wine in, and tell him the reactions I got when I asked women if they think no erection equals no desire for them. He lifts his eyebrows and looks surprised—and unconvinced. ‘Say your wife can’t tolerate penetration anymore and it’s never going to be on the cards, would getting an erection be important then?’ I ask. Come on, I’ve got you with this one!

‘It’s not about whether you’ll use it to penetrate,’ he says, in a you-just-don’t-get-this-do-you exasperated tone. ‘An erection is a man’s physical manifestation of his desire for a woman. It makes her feel desired and that’s really important for her to know that he finds her sexually attractive.’

He’s right that women need to feel desired. What he’s not getting is that we don’t need the ‘evidence’ of an erect penis to know if a man fancies us or not. We see desire in the way our partner looks at us, a hooding of the eyes, a swelling of the mouth, the way he touches us and licks us.

Gay men, lesbians and other LGBTQIA people don’t seem to be as hung up on the whole erection thing as straight people are. ‘Most straight couples see intercourse as the only really “grown up” way to have sex and they feel like failures if for whatever reason intercourse isn’t working for them,’ Snyder believes. For people with different sexual orientations, penetration seems very much a ‘take it or leave it’ thing rather than the main event. Sensible, if you ask me.

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