Fray by Chris Carse Wilson

Author:Chris Carse Wilson [Wilson, Chris Carse]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2023-08-15T00:00:00+00:00

YOUR VOICE

LISTEN

QUIET AND LISTEN

MOVE AND STOP

I manically shuffle pages, piling and ordering, then sorting and reordering, always feeling that something is getting nearer, always feeling that a discovery is just one more step away, one more moment of gritted teeth and perseverance through doubt and exhaustion. It must be close, it must be. I push on and on, slipping further and further from the coldness of the dark cottage, the plain wooden seat, and the wind that is always reaching for me, howling through every crack it can find in the walls.

I need to let this go. I need to put the boxes down and step out of the cottage, find myself again on the slopes, but with each day that passes I spend longer and longer inside.

I need to move. That’s really the only way I’ve ever felt any balance, by turning the mental excitement into motion. But even that gets caught in the push for more, for quicker, for harder and harder and harder, until one evil has simply been replaced by another.

At the other extreme is the deathly inertia that can grip me, those moments of vacuum and silence. Colours are emptied. Cold grey fire burning slowly inside me.

I need to remember to breathe, then remember to move. Step, step, step, as Dad wrote over and over again. To conjure up some small motion that lifts my heart rate, carrying more oxygen around my body, the beginnings of rediscovering my own momentum. Gradually, softly, slowly.

To glide smoothly, to find a comfortable pace between frozen terror and a death sprint is the only challenge I don’t know how to start.

I am still sat in the cottage. I haven’t moved.

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