Forty Fathers by Tessa Lloyd

Author:Tessa Lloyd
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fathers, Canada, Interviews, Men, Parents, Parenting, Anecdotes, Parenthood
ISBN: 9781771622448
Publisher: Douglas and McIntyre (2013) Ltd.
Published: 2019-10-19T00:00:00+00:00

Niigaan and Sarah, 2006 So I’m here because of my dad’s uphill journey, and because of what I have experienced since I was a little boy. I’m here because of my mother and my dad’s second wife—my other mother—too. I’ve taught my daughter that she comes from all of these places, ending up in the lodge today. She may choose to make that a part of her own life, too. Whatever works.

I think about the time before Sarah arrived, who I was then, and it’s like watching a TV show—I can see it, but I can’t feel it. I had a gaping hole inside of me that I was trying to fill in various ways: drinking, career, dating. Her birth was so beautiful; she was the first baby born on her mother’s reserve for sixty years. Her mother is an incredible woman who insisted Sarah be introduced to her community from the first moment she entered this world. Her grandmother spoke to her only in Cree during her first moments. Being born at home is also a profound political act in this country, as childbirth has been taken from First Nations communities and the hands of women, medicalized by doctors and missionaries who considered midwifery a threat.

Her arrival had a powerful effect on me, but not right away. I had to earn it. When Sarah was only a day old, we were trying to keep her hydrated. I was dipping my finger into water and letting her suck on it and I had to stay up all night while she went in and out of sleep. In that time I attended to this little baby, I became profoundly changed; I felt a gravitational pull between the two of us that operates every second of my life.

Going through the split with Sarah’s mother, that was rotten; I don’t wish that on anyone. The worst part was telling Sarah we were going to split up. I didn’t want to give her that kind of burden, but her mother and I are very good co-parents. It took us a while, but I consider her a good friend.

One of my biggest challenges has been intimacy. Because of the tension in the relationship between my father and my grandfather, my dad shied away from physical contact with me. He didn’t hit me but he also didn’t hold me much. I only remember a few hugs before I was about thirty-five, and my dad doesn’t express love often. This is a bit of a “guy thing,” but it’s very much a “my dad” thing. Now he’s changing, but for a long time I read on Twitter how much my dad loves me as many times as he had actually told me.

A generation later, the effect of this has shown up in my relationship with my daughter—as a need to keep her close. Frankly, I’m smothering her. She’s actually said to me, “Dad, that’s enough hugs for one day.” I still hold her hand even though she’s really too old for that.

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