Finding Inner Courage by Mark Nepo

Author:Mark Nepo
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781609255138
Publisher: Red Wheel Weiser

Believing the Guest

Often, we promise

what can't be promised.

It is not a matter of lying.

Though sometimes we lie.

More that the hawk's wings

can't cover the sky.

Over the years, I've discovered that as I grow more accepting of my humanness, limitations and all, I am less blind to the humanness and limitations of others. I find I can accept others more fully and with fewer expectations. The more wholly I can see them, the more holy they become. The more integrated we become, the more we are able to behold the integrity of the life around us. I was astonished to experience this obvious yet profound truth.

I can also see now how I promoted inauthentic relationships when loving others in fragmented ways that refused the truth of their wholeness. For instance, I have a friend who for years would repeatedly surface at the most unexpected times with sly and cutting remarks. These lances hurt, and I was always surprised. Even after twenty years, I was always stunned to receive these jabs. It just didn't seem like her. She was so kind and thoughtful. I've come to understand that this, too, is part of who she is. My continual surprise was not the result of some noble sense of innocence on my part, but of my denial of this lapse in her character. This striking out is part of her wholeness, and I was refusing to accept all of who she has repeatedly shown herself to be, which she at some level wants me to see. The sudden appearance of all we are capable of, of all those we love are capable of, is the guest we seldom want to believe.

Another poignant example is of a dear friend who has fallen in love with a crack addict. He says that things are wonderful when she's not using, and then she unleashes a dark, cruel temperament that is unbearable. Later, she returns with sweetness and apologies and promises, and my friend is drawn back in, confiding to me, “She's so special and dear when not using. That's the her I love. The other isn't the real her.”

In this way, he divides his knowledge of this woman, refusing to face the truth of all of her. As long as he fragments his sense of her, he doesn't have to accept or deal with the total truth of who she is. We do such strange things in the name of love.

His case is acutely clear, but we all find ourselves here from time to time. As long as we quarantine parts of our humanness from each other, we end up elevating the sides of ourselves and loved ones we wish to see and exiling those aspects we don't want to face. This only exacerbates our relationships, allowing us to deflect responsibility for our humanness and the effect of our limitations on those around us.

In my own life, I have felt this painfully in a way that has consumed a friendship of thirty years. This oldest of friends would from time to time erupt with anger and frustration.

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