Communication Miracles for Couples by Jonathan Robinson

Author:Jonathan Robinson
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781609257989
Publisher: Red Wheel Weiser Conari

7

The Best Way to Create Lasting Harmony

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

—MATTHEW 5:9

There used to be certain culturally defined rules about how to handle most of the challenges couples face. Men made the money to pay the bills; women did the housework and took care of the children; divorce was not an option. In the last forty years, all the standards on which relationships lived in the past have broken down. With the breakdown of rigid rules, more equality and freedom of choice is possible. But, there's a price. Nowadays, it seems like there is less security and harmony than ever before. Rules, or agreed-upon ways of doing things, help to create harmony by making it clear how to handle touchy situations. Since our cultural rules have broken down, a couple seeking harmony in the modern age must learn how to create and negotiate their own rules.

In his bestselling book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, John Gray talks about the many differences between men and women. With great clarity, he shows how men and women have different ways of coping with upsets, resolving issues, and finding fulfillment in relationships. In essence, his powerful message is that men and women have different rules and expectations as to the proper way to do things. Yet, the truth is slightly more complex. In my counseling work, I've seen that it's increasingly difficult to generalize that “all women” and “all men” are a certain way. The reality is that each person has a unique set of rules about how to deal successfully with the myriad situations of modern-day life.

Tony Robbins, the author of Awaken the Giant Within, defines rules as the beliefs or standards a person has about what is needed in order to feel or experience something. For example, how much sex do you need to be satisfied? For some people, their standard is once a month; for others, it's twice a day. Those are very different rules. Unfortunately, when two people get together, they each bring literally hundreds of expectations about how things should be. To make matters worse, most couples fail to talk about their unique set of rules, because they assume that everyone has the same standards as they do. By effectively communicating our rules to our partner and learning about her unique expectations toward us, we can help create longterm harmony in our relationship.

In any intimate relationship, your partner will eventually violate many of your rules. When our rules are stepped on, we get upset. In fact, every upset in a relationship is due to two people having different ideas of the acceptable way to do things. When our rule is not respected by our partner, we feel hurt or rejected. We think that our standards are the right ones, while his way of doing things is wrong. Blame sets in. In my work with couples, I attempt to show them there are no universal standards of what should happen in a relationship.

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