ADHD & Us: A Couple's Guide to Loving and Living With Adult ADHD by Anita Robertson LCSW

Author:Anita Robertson LCSW [Robertson LCSW, Anita]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub, pdf
ISBN: 9781647397067
Publisher: Rockridge Press
Published: 2020-11-02T16:00:00+00:00

ADHD Relationships

Intense emotional reactions are part of all intimate relationships, both the good (big romantic gestures) and the bad (angry verbal attacks). However, with their weaker executive function skills like emotional regulation, working memory, and attention, adults with ADHD can experience more emotional outbursts than their neurotypical partner.

Someone with ADHD may have emotional outbursts when they feel disappointed or unnoticed—for example, if they’re looking forward to seeing their partner and plans are canceled or if they don’t receive recognition when they’re making an effort to please their partner. Because they often go above and beyond to please their partner and try to avoid disappointing them, a person with ADHD will try to keep their challenging or negative feelings about the relationship to themselves. Eventually, however, those negative feelings come out—usually in an emotional outburst that seems, to the other partner, to come from nowhere.

This emotional roller coaster can make it hard for the neurotypical partner to be supportive. When the ADHD “brakes” don’t work, it can leave the non-ADHD partner feeling helpless and confused. They will struggle with how to provide feedback to avoid blow-out fights or intense responses. Over time, negative outbursts weigh heavily on a relationship, and even moments of joy and connection can’t overcome hurtful words said in anger.

A pattern of angry outbursts is much less likely to occur if the partner with ADHD feels secure in the relationship—especially when the Five Relationship Pillars are present. When the pillars of positive acceptance and growth mindset are strong, it is easier for both partners to share their feelings. If the pillars of praise and acknowledgment are strong, the partner with ADHD gets the positive feedback and praise they need when they share their concerns or disappointments. This positive reaction motivates them to continue having honest conversations. When the relationship pillar of games is present, the couple has quality time to connect and see that their relationship can thrive after conflict.

STRATEGIES

Emotional regulation is a skill that can be learned and developed over time. Although the partner with ADHD may struggle more in this area, both partners can benefit from the following strategies. There are many great resources on how to develop or strengthen emotional regulation. Like any other skill, you need to practice it often to remember how to use it properly when intense emotions arise.

Calm Down Space

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