You Were Never Here by Kathleen Peacock

Author:Kathleen Peacock
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperTeen
Published: 2020-08-07T00:00:00+00:00

Twenty

I KNEW WE’D SPENT MOST OF THE DAY WATCHING MOVIES, but it’s still surprising to see the sun sinking toward the horizon as I step outside and follow Noah across the backyard.

“How was the lake?”

“Depressing. I thought getting my mom out of the house for a few nights might help, but all she did was beg to come back. She wanted to be here in case Riley came home. She’s still convinced she hears him at night. I’m driving her down to Saint John later this week. There’s a psychiatrist there who specializes in grief and trauma. Her doctor thinks it might help.” Noah shakes his head. “When we got back to the house, she said someone had been inside. She said it must have been Riley.”

Warmth creeps across my cheeks. Even in the fading light, he catches the blush.

“It was you?” he says slowly. “You broke into the house?”

“I didn’t break in. Not exactly. I just remembered where the spare key was.” Maybe I should apologize, but I don’t. I kick off my shoes and then step out onto one of the large rocks at the river’s edge. I sit and slip my feet into the water. It’s cool, but not unpleasantly so. “I just wanted to see his room.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

I glance over my shoulder. Noah is watching me. “I really don’t know,” I say. Even I can hear the defensive note in my voice.

As long as we’re careful, there’s enough space on my rock for Noah to sit without running the risk of touching me, but he rolls up the bottoms of his jeans and wades into the river, coming to stand next to me instead. We both look out over the water, at the reflected glow of the setting sun.

“Yes,” he says. “You do. I don’t think you’re the kind of person who ever does anything without having a reason.”

I’m not sure why I don’t want to tell him. Maybe because I’m not sure I can wrap my head around my feelings about Riley. They’re messy and complicated, and I don’t know how to sort through them. “I don’t really know Riley. It’s like there’s two of him. There’s the Riley I remember from when we were kids, and there’s this other Riley who everyone else knows. The one who crashes boats and plays basketball and dates blond girls named Amber.”

“Everyone’s like that, Cat. Everyone shows different sides of themselves to different people at different times. I’d think you, of all people, would know that.”

“It feels like more than that. The difference is just so huge. I thought, maybe, if I saw his room, it would help.”

He’s quiet for a minute. Like he was choosing his words carefully. “I don’t think the difference is as huge as it looks on the surface. A lot of it was an act for our father. Riley thought that if he could be perfect, Dad might stick around. He tried to make himself into what he believed our parents wanted. He always had trouble accepting that our father is just an asshole.

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