When Your Daughter Has BPD by Daniel S Lobel

Author:Daniel S Lobel
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: SEL020000 Self-help / Mood Disorders/ General, FAM034000 Family & Relationships / Parenting / General, PSY022080 Psychology / Psychopathology / Personality Disorders
Publisher: New Harbinger

Of course, the child is not getting exactly what she wants and will likely protest for a while, but in the end she will probably choose to go to the concert during the day rather than not go at all. In this example the mother is able to starve the monster by not giving in to the child when she threatens self-harm. The mother instead sets and maintains a boundary whereby the child can go to the concert but cannot sleep outside or cause self-harm. The mother then replaces the co-dependent behavior pattern of enabling self-harm with giving the child a choice and then holding her accountable for it. The mother is also able to offer support in executing the choice, whichever one the child chooses.

Successful results come from consistency. Codependent enabling, or feeding the monster, will consistently fail to produce the desired result. On the other hand, firm boundary setting and applying new behavior patterns that foster the development of independent behavior will eventually cause your child to seek independent solutions first rather than using dependent, immature behaviors as the first choice. She will come to seek out your support rather than your coddling. Your child can bond with you in her pursuit of independence rather than using you as a crutch to keep her dependent. By supporting the choices your child makes within acceptable bounds, you will minimize her sense of abandonment. Once she has shifted from handling frustration by mistreating and manipulating others to seeking cooperative solutions, then you are ready for step 3 of the intervention: forgiveness and healing.

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