Troubleshooting Relationships on the Autism Spectrum by Ashley Stanford

Author:Ashley Stanford
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780857008084
Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Published: 2013-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

Why this is harmful to a relationship

Sooner or later your partner will get a sense that you are too busy to be in a relationship at all. The busy partner may not even notice that the relationship is deteriorating since the state of being too busy can be blinding.

The fallout

All relationships need time and attention. If one partner does not have sufficient time to solve basic problems in the relationship, the relationship will either become dysfunctional or end.

The solution

There are no simple solutions to the Too Busy Overload. There are many bad ways to handle it. For example, in the case of whether or not have a child, the logical consequence is to end the relationship if the issue of childbirth cannot be addressed. This is a very serious consequence and it is likely that the person avoiding the issue is not fully aware of why he or she is avoiding the issue.

Seeing a counselor or therapist can assist in gently helping your partner to recognize that the sense of busyness in his or her life has been created to act as a buffer against difficult choices.

THE GOLD STAR

Autistic or not, your partner (or you) may need positive recognition, a daily gold star, in order to feel appreciated and loved. This need may interfere in the problem-solving process.

Partner A: “Can we please review our tax statement now?”

Partner B: “Did you see how I did the dishes and the laundry today?”

It sounds like a childish reaction when reading it on paper, but if you hear it in real life you may recognize that we all do this from time to time when we need a verbal confirmation that we are doing good things.

Why this is harmful to a relationship

The Gold Star is harmful in a way that is opposite of all previous avoidance tactics. In this scenario it is Partner A who needs to create the solution. Partner A needs to give the vital compliment so that Partner B can be soothed enough to hear his or her partner’s question. It is only a minor inconvenience for Partner A, but it can be harmful to Partner B if his or her need for praise is dismissed.

The fallout

If Partner A does not recognize that Partner B is in need of validation, then Partner B will probably feel dismissed and unappreciated. It is likely that Partner B will find ways to get recognition some other way, even if by bad behavior.

The solution

Give a compliment! Compliment freely, often, and honestly.

If the need for kudos is too frequent or too intense, perhaps talk about that as a separate issue. Perhaps there are aspects of your partner’s life that can be adjusted so that your partner’s sense of confidence is not so delicate.

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