Traumatic Narcissism by Daniel Shaw

Author:Daniel Shaw
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781134672790
Publisher: Routledge

Ted and Kelly

Ted and Kelly's relationship, as I came to understand it, was haunted by Ted's mother, a traumatizing narcissist. Unconscious of the destructive influence his mother had on the shaping of his personality, Ted's marriage was coming apart by the time he and his wife were referred to me.

Ted and Kelly are an attractive couple, he a professional engineer for a utility company and she a successful high-end real estate broker. He seems irritated, very quiet, and she very anxious, tearful. She tells me how wonderful Ted really is, how kind, sensitive, even-tempered, and loving. She has angry outbursts that make her feel so ugly and so ashamed, and she sobs as she speaks, so upset that she is hurting Ted; but she simply does not want him to touch her any more, and she feels horribly guilty, wondering if Ted should just find someone better for him, someone who can love him as he deserves to be loved. They have been together about ten years, and it was three years ago that Kelly finally broke down to the point where she pushed Ted to propose and marry her. They talked about having children, but it never went beyond talking. Ted had always said “we can if that's what you want,” and now Kelly is really beyond the age she would have wanted to have children.

It takes a while for me to start to hear more about what is under the surface—that Ted apparently does not want anything. Only Kelly wants anything, and as far as Ted is concerned, whatever Kelly wants is fine. Ted feels fine all the time, it's only Kelly who doesn't feel fine. Kelly is patient and accommodating about Ted's passivity, until she is so frustrated that she blows up, and he gets really upset, because he just doesn't understand why Kelly is upset.

I also learn that Ted takes his time deciding about things. He needs a new car, his old one is actually dangerously in disrepair, but it's been more than a year since he's been looking into it, figuring out what's best, and he doesn't understand why Kelly gets so frustrated. He doesn't care which movie they see, which restaurant they could go to, what he'll order—whatever she wants is fine. If he wants hot sauce at a restaurant, instead of asking for it himself, he'll ask Kelly, “Do you want hot sauce?” Kelly doesn't want to always be the one that gets to hold the hot potato, the one who wants, when the other never wants because he is always fine. She feels like a selfish, greedy, opinionated bitch—because she has desires and preferences, and Ted does not.

Why not? Ted grew up with a silent, passive father (like “Mary”) who allowed his traumatizing narcissist mother (like “John”) to control everything, make every decision, and punish anyone who complained or disagreed with her through her angry tears and her well-developed sense of victimization. Ted's twin brother learned to ignore the mother and develop

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