Toxic Relationship Recovery: Your Guide to Identifying Toxic Partners, Leaving Unhealthy Dynamics, and Healing Emotional Wounds After a Breakup by Jaime Mahler

Author:Jaime Mahler
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Tags: Self-Help, Motivational & Inspirational, Psychology, Interpersonal Relations, Family & Relationships, Dating
ISBN: 9781507220511
Publisher: Adams Media
Published: 2023-09-05T00:00:00+00:00

What’s lacking in all of the statements in this list is the both/and mindset. You are in a relationship both with your partner and with yourself. If you neglect the relationship you have with yourself and instead always choose your partner, you’re exhibiting a deep relational wound. Partners with fewer emotional skills often resort to tactics like encouraging partners to feel guilt, shame, and/or judged in order to establish the relationship they want.

Case Study: How Relational Wounds Can Form

Dan had told Nora in the beginning of their relationship that once a week he goes to his buddy’s house to play cards. When Dan goes to leave for one of those game nights, Nora says, “You are really going to leave again for your stupid game night?” Dan is confused and says, “Nora, it’s not stupid to me. This has been a tradition that I’ve had with my friend since high school—it’s actually the only reason I have been able to maintain these friendships for so long.” Nora scoffs and says, “Whatever, just go.”

Dan feels trapped. He feels like he can’t go because Nora will be mad but he also is confused because he explicitly explained to Nora that this event was important to him. Dan prompts one more time, “Nora, if you are upset, I’d want to talk about your frustration.” Nora quickly replies, “Ugh, forget it! Just go and be selfish like you always are.” As the weeks go by, Dan starts feeling really selfish and guilty about going to game night. Eventually he stops going, and now he rarely sees his buddies. When he does see them, he feels an immense sense of guilt.

The relational wound in this example is the construct of selfishness. Dan is being taught that having time for himself to develop and nurture relationships outside of his relationship with his partner is wrong. In this example, Nora seems to perceive any outside relationship as a threat and she is teaching Dan to create that construct inside of himself.

Dan realized he was losing touch with his family and friends and his entire life was revolving around Nora, and the two break up. Even though Nora and Dan are no longer together, the relational wound is still there. Dan will need to contend with the relational wound that resulted from being told he was selfish for taking time for himself and his relationships.

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