Theater of Love by Drummond D.L

Author:Drummond, D.L.
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: DMB Publishing
Published: 2024-07-08T00:00:00+00:00

17

The next twelve days are literal hell and the longest of my life. I seesaw wildly between intense anger and crushing despair. Sometimes I hate Julien so much I’m afraid I’ll choke on my own bitterness, and other times I cry until I become physically ill. I have had some very rough days, but I have learned something vital about myself during this experience. I am a consummate actress. I could have never made it through the two weeks of film promotion otherwise.

That isn’t to say that seeing Julien’s face day after day didn’t take a heavy toll on my mental health because it did. I was barely able to muster the energy to drag myself out of bed, let alone muscle my way through hours and hours of interviews. Any excitement I had initially over the tour and the buzz and the potential acclaim for the film quickly died after that second night. All I wanted, more than anything, was for it to be over.

I suppose Julien felt bad about breaking my heart because he made multiple attempts to explain himself to me, but I either ignored him or avoided him entirely. If we weren’t on camera or live radio, then he was dead to me. But when we were on, I went through all the motions, and I gave the interviewers and producers what they wanted.

There were days when I hovered like a hapless shadow in my own life. I did my part in crafting the narrative that Julien and I were inseparable partners on and offscreen, but inside I was dead. I smiled and flirted and laughed and played all the ridiculous games they wanted me to play. I treated it like any other part. I pretended I was the girl who really did have “happily ever after” with her co-star. But she was only a caricature, and when the cameras stopped rolling, the character faded away as did my reasons for joy.

I could navigate the interviews fairly well. I could laugh and pretend and keep my sanity. The photoshoots, on the other hand, were pure torture. Those involved long hours of touching and repositioning, hours of intimate poses where I was forced to be in close proximity to Julien. Having him invade my personal space over and over again understandably left me uptight and anxious. No matter how many times I was admonished by the photographers to “relax” and “be natural” I simply could not do it.

When a crew member suggested that I try a glass of wine to “calm my nerves,” I was eager to take her suggestion. I never did another photoshoot or interview with Julien sober after that. The alcohol helped to ease my tension, but it also kept me numb. It lessened my inhibitions, made me more inclined to initiate friendships with the male models who sometimes served as background “props.”

I made a habit of partying with them after hours as a way of avoiding the ride back to the hotel with Julien.

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