The World Has Gone To Turd And The Only Way To Save It Is With A Big Ol' Battle Royale: A Brutal, Action-Packed Comedy by Matthew A. Clarke

Author:Matthew A. Clarke [Clarke, Matthew A.]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Published: 2021-12-18T00:00:00+00:00

​​ Day Two – 07.30 A.M.

​​ 55 Remaining

“Congratulations to those of you that survived the night. Some pretty freakin’ sweet kills too. I would list the names of the recently deceased, but I can’t really be fucked anymore—essentially, the ALF are no longer in the game, and neither is that tubby Captain from the Terror Police. What? No . . . shut the fuck up and suck it, you bitch. Sorry about that. Cherubs, am I right? Anyway, there’s a Wild Card at the Trading Post for anyone interested, and the next drop zone will be . . . GNNNUHH FUUUCK! Will be the rocket site. Not that it matters, as I’m pretty sure all you cumbags have already cleared the place out. Peace.”

“Anything?” Sarge asked Jinks.

Jinks brushed away a bead of pus running down his forehead before it could hit his eye. He then powered down the Gameboy and looked up from his wrist. “Actually, yes. I believe I may be able to gain backdoor access the next time he decides to contact us.”

“EXCELLENT,” Captain Megamouth said. He had salvaged the golden badge from Captain Blue’s corpse and stuck it to the side of his megaphone. “I SAY WE HANG FIRE UNTIL THEN. TAKE NO RISKS.”

Sarge mumbled her agreement. The metal-mouthed freak was taking his new role as Captain too seriously for her liking—he would always be the clumsy idiot that fell through the station’s roof, in her eyes. She turned away from the two men, telling herself it was only a matter of time before it would all be over.

“I would usually agree, Jerry, but in this—”

“CAPTAIN MEGAMOUTH.”

“—Captain Megamouth. But in this instance, I suggest we seek shelter from whatever those things are,” he pointed.

The Terror Police had begun to make their way back towards the centre of the island after launching the missile. Although it hadn’t had the nuclear effect they’d been hoping for, they figured it must have still put them in a better position than they had been before—the entirety of the Animal Liberation Front had been killed. Other than the sky turning pussy-pink, they were yet to see or hear anything from their missile. That is, until now.

The ‘things’ Jinks was pointing at were a small herd of buildings on long, thin legs, heading right for them. This much was clear, but such a thing was so out of the ordinary that not one of them was willing to accept it at first. Ruling out drugs and a mirage, Sarge suggested that it may be the effect of a miracle. Although the buildings seemed to veer off course a little, heading instead towards the rocket site, the Terror Police decided getting out of the open was a good idea regardless.

Using his scythe, Jinks forged a path through the thick foliage ahead (which, if he were not mistaken, was not supposed to be bright blue and purple), relieved as they heard a series of gritty roars off in the distance, signifying the buildings were still moving away from them.

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