The Vicar's Knickers by Vince R. Ditrich

Author:Vince R. Ditrich [Ditrich, Vince R.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FICTION / Humorous / General
ISBN: 9781459747302
Publisher: Dundurn Press
Published: 2022-08-15T00:00:00+00:00

Twenty-Six / Pan Pan

Vicar’s mobile phone had dropped the connection with Con-Con and he glanced out the window into the yard. Snow was coming down heavily now, obscuring the view, and the road was coated thickly with a blanket of slippery white flakes.

“Jacquie, I’ve gotta get help.” He looked around the darkened living room as if assistance might be hiding over in the shadows.

Jacquie rocked the crying infant and looked at Vicar, her eyes rimmed with extreme urgency. Yes. Do something, anything. Vicar stared at her for just a second and thought, We couldn’t have been less prepared for this if we’d made it our life’s goal.

Jacquie carefully laid the baby on the couch while Vicar held the one flashlight he could find in the cupboard, which only came to life after he whacked it with the flat of his hand a couple of times. She gently took off the blankets to find the baby, a girl, it turned out, naked with a long umbilical cord flapping around, having been cut or bitten off a few inches down its length. For some reason Vicar was so angry at the sight that he nearly screamed. How dare anyone do this to a baby?

Snapping himself out of his state, he felt his way to the kitchen and rummaged through a drawer, finding a snap clip for potato chip bags. He came back and gingerly clipped it onto the umbilical cord at its base, and then stood back, feeling his head jerking back and forth, almost as if he was trying to sift better ideas through a screen in his skull.

“Well, she’s a little girl. And that’s pretty well all we know.”

“Am I going to have to take her to gymnastics classes?” said Vicar, completely dazed.

Jacquie looked up at him as if he were from Mars. “Huh?” she blurted.

He was already grappling with the thought of this child abandoned forever. “Nothing. Nothing. I’m just babbling.” Suddenly, Vicar blurted, “Merri!”

Jacquie knew precisely what he meant. Merri Crabtree lived close by. Maybe she still had power? Maybe she would know what to do?

“Yes. Go. Go now!”

Vicar flapped around the house. He found a heavy coat in the hall closet, and mercifully a hat and some gloves were on the shelf above. What were the chances of that? he mused.

“Okay,” Vicar yelled. “I’m going.”

Jacquie felt her anxiety rise when she realized she’d be alone with this crying, hungry baby, for how long she didn’t know. She peered at Vicar, who was pacing in the entryway. Something wasn’t right.

Then it dawned on her. “Pants! Pants!” she yelled with urgency. He had put on a winter coat but was so flapped that he had forgotten to don trousers.

“Aarrgh,” Vicar moaned, in a muddle. He kicked off his shoes and stumbled to the bedroom to fetch some jeans.

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