The Secrets of My Life by Caitlyn Jenner

Author:Caitlyn Jenner
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2017-04-24T16:00:00+00:00

Maybe I owe the world a correction.

When I first start seeing Trudy, it doesn’t take long for her to sense my misery. She reinforces that I am not the only person struggling with such conflict and feelings. The concept of gender dysphoria is no longer alien. It is in her office that for the first time in my life I see a transgender woman face-to-face. We are having a session and it is winding down and a little light goes on to indicate that the next patient is in the waiting room. Trudy mentions that the patient is a trans woman and without giving me her name or any other identifying characteristic, wonders if I might simply like to see her. I go into the waiting room and grab a magazine and don’t dare talk to her. My initial reaction is so similar to how much of the public reacts now to a trans person.

I feel nervous. I feel shy. But she seems so comfortable with herself. Is that what happens when you transition? You actually become comfortable with yourself? You can just blend in?

Trudy’s underlying goal was to help me come to terms with myself in whatever way I defined it, and as hard as it was, to not be trapped by the expectations of others. Because that is not a life. It is the pose of a life.

Without directly saying it, I can tell that for my own personal welfare she thinks I must take some actual steps to physically feel more myself. Since there is no cure for this, I have to deal with it on my own terms, as is true for anyone with gender dysphoria. They are little things that I think I can get away with, nothing like facial feminization surgery and certainly not the Final Surgery. I am not ready for any of that and may never be.

Since at this I point I am driving around a little bit at night anyway I decide to meet Trudy at her office, now in Beverly Hills. I have a long skirt on and a nice top. A cute little outfit if I say so myself and I do. I park my car half a block from her office. I sense the lights of a vehicle shining on my back. It drives right by as if nothing happened. It reminds me of back when I was a little boy in Tarrytown walking around Sleepy Hollow Gardens but with a slightly different sensation.

How nice is that? I just blend in. How cool is that?

I go to Trudy’s office and she tells me I look great. She suggests dinner. But that’s too much for me. I couldn’t even use my voice to order, way too recognizable. I can just see the furtive smiles as they look at me and then glance away and elbow their dinner companions to sneak a look but be careful don’t let him know! The self-consciousness will cause me to want to run away and never stop.

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