The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren

Author:Karla McLaren [McLaren, Karla]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Self
ISBN: 9781591798972
Publisher: Sounds True
Published: 2008-12-31T16:00:00+00:00

IDENTIFYING AUTHENTIC SHAME

Most of us were not taught to welcome or work with our authentic shame and remorse (which all of us feel naturally, especially when we’ve hurt someone); instead, most of us were taught about shame by being shamed. Authority figures such as parents, teachers, peers, and the media often attempt to teach and control us by applying shame from the outside, instead of trusting our natural ability to moderate our own behaviors. As a result, most of us repress any natural shame we might feel (which makes us unable to effectively monitor our behavior) or express our shame all over others in unfortunate attempts to disgrace and control them. This sad behavior has disconnected most of us from the strengthening influence of authentic shame, and filled us with staggering amounts of manufactured and applied shame.

When we don’t have a healthy connection to our own shame, we’re often coerced into embodying other people’s ideas of right and wrong (“Good girls don’t act that way; big boys don’t cry; we don’t get angry in this family; no one likes a smarty-pants; no one will love you until...”). In this onslaught, we become overwhelmed by untruths, foreign messages, damaging contracts, and inauthentic shame. In response, our authentic shame often surges forward to fight off the foreign shame. If we could grab on to this natural shame, we could use its intense heat to set our boundaries fiercely, and incinerate the foreign messages and manufactured shame careening through us. Unfortunately, since most of us have no skills and no practice for shame, we tend to crumble in front of all shame, whether it belongs to us or not. Usually when our authentic shame moves forward, we become overwhelmed and essentially dissociate from our emotional selves. We fall into an incoherent shame spiral (where we’re simultaneously drawn toward and repelled by shameful and forbidden behaviors) and wrestle in futility with seemingly senseless amounts of foreign and authentic shame.

This spiral is unnecessary, and you can halt it by learning to identify your authentic, free-flowing shame, which is actually sensible, momentary, and empowering: your hand goes out for a cookie, you realize you don’t need it, and you walk away. That’s authentic, free-flowing shame working properly. Afterward, you feel strong and aware. In authentic shame, there’s no spiral because you simply live by a moral code. You floss because you like clean teeth, you avoid drugs and crime because they’re uninteresting, and you treat people respectfully because it feels right. Authentic shame places gentle and authentic brakes on your impulses, so much so that you won’t really feel them. Improper behaviors won’t loom over your psyche or call to you with seductive intensities, because your authentic shame will help you stay awake and functional. That’s what your free-flowing shame feels like. Manufactured or applied shame, on the other hand, makes you nearly comatose. You’ll eat all the cookies, even if you’re not hungry. You’ll treat yourself and others shamefully, and you won’t be able to

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