The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel M.F.C.C

Author:Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C. [Engel, Beverly]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2017-11-21T00:00:00+00:00

RESOLVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR ORIGINAL ABUSER

After you have released your anger toward your original abuser and completed either an indirect or direct confrontation, you will need to resolve your relationship with him or her so that you can go on with your life. This is particularly true when your original abuser is a family member.

If your abuser has shown some capacity for understanding your pain and some willingness to take responsibility for his actions—however small this capacity and willingness may seem—there may be hope for the relationship. If he is willing to continue discussing the conflicts between you, you may be able to teach him what does and what does not feel good to you in the relationship.

If your abuser is willing to listen to you, to accept responsibility for his actions, and to apologize to you, you may feel like forgiving him. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you forget or ignore the past, but that you recognize that it’s possible for a person to change and begin again. If you are able to forgive, you’ll feel a sense of relief and a new freedom within yourself.

On the other hand, you may discover that your abuser is not open to looking at what he has done to damage you. Your parents or other original abusers may continue to abuse you in the same ways they always have. They may be unwilling or unable to establish a positive relationship with you. If this is the case, you may need to temporarily separate from them or even “divorce” them.

Marnie divorced both her mother and her father. Her father is a very emotionally abusive man and had berated Marnie from the time she was a little girl, telling her she was stupid, ugly, and good for nothing. He would fly into uncontrollable rages for little or no reason, and afterward he would send Marnie and her siblings to their rooms. Mamie’s mother was essentially unavailable to her children. She was aloof, preoccupied, and emotionally empty, providing her children absolutely no protection from their raving, ranting father.

Not surprisingly, Marnie suffered from extremely low self-esteem and a feeling of worthlessness. It took her many years of therapy to even begin to believe that she could support herself emotionally and financially and that she was a worthwhile human being. Two years ago, Marnie divorced her father because he was unwilling to admit that he had sexually abused her when she was a very little girl. In addition, she divorced her mother because her mother refused to believe that Mamie’s father could have done such a thing, and also because she felt that her mother had essentially taken her father’s side and wasn’t being supportive to her. In addition, she recognized how much her father was still controlling her mother, even though they had been divorced for several years. Recognizing just how deeply disturbed both her parents were, Marnie realized she needed to break away from them to save her own sanity.

Mamie’s story is typical among people from dysfunctional homes.

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