Starcarbon by Ellen Gilchrist

Author:Ellen Gilchrist
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781635763485
Publisher: Diversion Books
Published: 2017-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Doctor Coder opened the door to his office and Olivia walked in and went to the couch and lay down upon it. “I got these birth control pills, but I’m afraid to take them,” she began. “Why should I put chemicals into my body just so Bobby can fuck me? We can use a rubber or I can get some jelly or we’ll do something. I don’t need to take hormones that might give me cancer. And I don’t want to marry him either. I’m taking off this ring. What does it mean, wearing a ring like a noose around your neck, like a harness or a bit. I’m not a horse. No one’s going to ride me or hobble me or breed with me. I wouldn’t have a baby for all the tea in China. I haven’t talked to Jessie for a while. I can’t tell her about Bobby because she’ll tell Dad. I don’t know what to do, Doctor Coder. I’m not getting a thing done in school. I cut a class this afternoon to go get those pills. All I’m doing is driving around the country seeing doctors.”

“Do you know the old Indian legends about people’s spirits being captured by their enemies?”

“Sure. Everyone knows that.”

“Well, I’m going to tell you something, Olivia. Your spirit has been captured. Because your mother died. Your need for bonding is so strong that you’ll sacrifice yourself for it. But it does no good. Grown people can’t get the stuff that little babies have. All you do is trade in your adult life for something that is doomed to failure. No one can complete you and make you happy but yourself. Is this making sense?”

“Oh, God, that’s what Georgia says. That’s all she talks about. She keeps saying the same thing over and over. Don’t ante the self for the relationship. She’s got this big sign on her refrigerator. She’s always talking about that.”

“What’s the main thing that’s worrying you today?”

“Telling Dad about Bobby. Yeah, and what he’ll say when I don’t pass a thing in summer school, which is where I’m heading.”

“Then call him up and talk to him and tell him what’s on your mind.”

“I can’t do that.”

“You can try. Then you could go on to the big stuff. This business of worrying about what your father will think of Bobby is just a cover for your real problem. The anxiety arises from the intimacy. Put that on your refrigerator. It’s what you feel for Bobby that’s driving you crazy. You think if you bond with someone, they will disappear. Until you understand that, all your relationships will be doomed. It’s the intimacy you fear.”

“I didn’t have any intimacy at Chapel Hill and I was worse off than I am now. What am I going to do, Doctor Coder? How am I supposed to know what to do?”

“Start by understanding. Watching, thinking, finding out how you tick. Think of your life as a broad field. If there are holes, fill them in.

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