Everything After by Jill Santopolo

Author:Jill Santopolo [Santopolo, Jill]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2021-03-09T00:00:00+00:00

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Your aunt Ari got married today. I keep thinking that you would’ve been five years old. You could’ve been the flower girl or the ring bearer. You would’ve been dressed up fancy, pink-cheeked and smiling in the photos. Or maybe you would’ve been scared, hiding behind my leg or clinging to my skirt. Ari’s husband, Jack, has a sister with two kids, and seeing them run around—I haven’t thought about you this much in years. It was like you were at that wedding with me, in my heart, in my mind.

I wish your grandma could’ve been there. Ari asked me to walk her down the aisle along with our dad. She said that since we were such a team, it wouldn’t feel right for me to walk with someone else on her wedding day. So she had one of us on each side. When we got up to the front of the aisle, and we walked ahead of her underneath the chuppah, Jack whispered to me: “I promise you I’ll never get between you and your sister. She loves you so much.”

“She loves you, too, Jack,” I told him. “And I’m so happy to have a brother.”

It would’ve been nice to have a date to their wedding, but I haven’t dated anyone since your dad. I kept telling myself it’s because I’ve been working so hard in school, but the truth is, I’ve been scared. I’m still scared. So scared that I’ll get hurt again. So scared that I’ll hurt someone else.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, though, thinking about what might have been. I’d thought I was healed, but I’m not healed enough. I’ll get there, though. I will. And when I do, I’m sure I’ll imagine you on my wedding day, too, what it would’ve been like if I’d asked you to walk me down the aisle and stand with me as I brought someone new into our lives.

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