Shadows of a Dream by Nicole Disney

Author:Nicole Disney [Disney, Nicole]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781635555998
Publisher: Bold Strokes Books
Published: 2019-10-25T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter Sixteen

Jayden gives me an extra-long hug. “You okay?” I haven’t seen him since the night I came over with bloody feet, so I guess it’s reasonable for him to ask, but I don’t like it. He thinks of Jaselle as dangerous now. I wish I hadn’t gone to him that night. I can tell he hasn’t told the guys. They’re completely normal, so I try to focus on them, playing up my happiness on purpose.

“We miss you, girl,” Shiloh says. “We never see you anymore.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you still love us too?” Alex says.

“Of course, I do.” I give him another hug like that’ll make everything go away. I breathe in the familiar Chapel smell: beer and mildew. Benny hands me a Corona and touches my cheek with his chubby hand. That’s a little strange. Usually, I just get a smack on the back or a rustle of the hair. I’m not used to tender gestures. Maybe Jayden chose Benny to talk to about his fears of abuse. That makes me grit my teeth. No, Jayden, you didn’t convert Benny. I need Benny. He pushed me into this; I need him to stay on board.

I try to fall back into my rhythm, to feel as natural as I always have, messing around in the empty bar while the sunlight exposes all the dust in the air and slime on the chairs. I try to take comfort in peeling my shoes off the sticky floor step by step, but my mind isn’t here. My mind is in Jaselle’s bedroom, watching the smoke swirl past her lips, satin dreams.

“So, are we going to play or what?” Jayden asks. I nod emphatically and grab the mic stand from the corner, putting it back in my spot, center. Jayden starts us off, strumming into one of our oldest songs. It doesn’t sound the same to me for some reason. The words come easy as ever though, strange how lyrics never leave you.

“I want you to watch me, someone should watch me burn. I love your psychosis. Criminal activity to damage what damaged you. And I’m just a phantom. I’m not really here. Now you can’t see me. I’m just a breath in your ear.”

I can’t focus. I see Jaselle stretched out on the bed, naked and high, in a stupor. Do you feel good now, my love? Is the pain gone?

“Rainn?”

I shake my head like I can rattle the image out of my ears. The guys are staring at me. I clear my throat. “Sorry, let’s go.” Shiloh cautiously starts in on bass again. I can’t believe this feeling. “Frozen chest and bleeding lungs, surrender now to what you’ve done.”

It takes everything I have to finish the song, to make it through a couple more, to stay for another half hour after that, to try to act like I’m having fun, to stifle the painfully uncomfortable urge to leave and go back to Jaselle.

When I finally feel like I’ve stayed long enough not to qualify myself as a complete ass, I excuse myself.

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