Search For The Real Self by James F. Masterson

Author:James F. Masterson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2019-03-25T16:00:00+00:00

At the moment, when things don’t seem to be worth it and the admiration he expects others to shower upon him doesn’t materialize, Stewart numbs his disappointment with gin and tonics.

“I charm people, but I don’t let myself get involved,” explained Daniel, 53, a lawyer, who was proud of this fact when he first began seeing me. He thought it made him more successful in his career. Now he isn’t so sure.

“At work I can usually get applause from my colleagues and clients, even assistants and secretarial staff. I’m known for being a lot of fun to have around. And I’m good. I’ve always been an achiever, and other people really have to take second place to that. Out of sight, out of mind, I’ve always said.”

Daniel realized that he was attracted to the legal profession because it allowed him to function like a fact-gathering machine. He even used the word “machine” to describe his ability to work smoothly and continuously. “I like being in control of things. If I have the facts, I can serve my clients better, and ultimately myself. I can get more done. Feelings get in the way.” In school, he would throw himself into his work in order to avoid feelings, to preserve a safe distance between himself and others. “Feelings were unimportant,” he told me. As he became more successful in his career, he became even more of a machine.

I pointed out to Daniel that he had built his life around busyness and that he was a committed workaholic. He was addicted to “not feeling.” He was “terribly restless and panicky” when he had nothing to do. On weekends he suffered from the “weekend neurosis” if he didn’t schedule tasks and chores into his life that would bolster his self-image and keep him from realizing his true feelings about his work, his partying, life, himself. As he put it, “The idea of a task that doesn’t make me feel great is impossible.” At one point he was thinking of giving up golf, which he enjoyed, because the friends with whom he played began teasing him about his spate of bad luck. He couldn’t take their joking and drew the conclusion that they didn’t appreciate him.

Daniel had been married for 25 years to an attractive woman whose main purpose in life, as he saw it, was to support all his activities and enhance the image he held of himself. She was an appendage to his life, and when she failed to admire and adore him he would fly into rages, sometimes not speaking to her or even acknowledging her presence for two weeks at a time. He had treated his three children much the same way while they were growing up; and after they left home, they practically severed all ties with him, visiting only a few times a year, even though they live within easy travel distance. Today Daniel thinks his children are ungrateful for all he did for them.

After his wife finally left

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