My Two Elaines by Martin J Schreiber

Author:Martin J Schreiber
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Harper Horizon
Published: 2022-04-12T00:00:00+00:00

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What I Wish I’d Known

You’re a healthier, happier, and more helpful caregiver if you are less confrontational.

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Fibbing is a useful tactic when a person with dementia asks about family members and friends. Women and men will always be concerned about the people they love. How is my dad? Is my brother all right? A parent will wonder and worry about his or her children. As the ability to process and remember information diminishes, your job is to deflect your partner’s fears and concerns.

“Are our kids doing okay?” you’ll be asked—probably over and over.

“Yes, everyone’s fine,” you’ll respond.

I once made the terrible mistake of answering one of Elaine’s questions about her parents by telling her the truth, that they were dead. She looked as sad as the day many years earlier when she’d learned that they had died.

“Dead?” she repeated, concerned and puzzled. “Did we take good care of them? Did I go to their funerals?” She was distraught to think that maybe she hadn’t honored them properly. What good did it do to give her a real-world answer when she lives in her own altered world? Until I saw the sorrow in her eyes, I didn’t know that the truth wasn’t always relevant. I vowed I wouldn’t put her through that kind of pain again.

Sometime later, we heard a piece of music that made her think of her folks; she remarked that they would enjoy it (present tense). Not that they would have enjoyed it (past tense). This time, I responded in the way I now knew was better for her. “They sure would,” I told her.

More recently, with Alzheimer’s continuing to squeeze the memory out of Elaine’s brain, she told me something odd yet sweet. It was a statement I didn’t dare dispute. In fact, I took it as a great compliment. She said, “You look just like my husband.”

Another very helpful approach is “redirecting.” The idea is to change the focus of the person with dementia, thereby preventing a conversation from turning into an argument. For instance, when Elaine asks me for a glass of wine at 9:00 a.m., there’s no point in giving her the dozen reasons why that’s not happening. Instead, I shift the discussion to other things related to wine. For instance, I talk about how pretty wine looks in its glass or ask who else she would like to drink wine with. After a few minutes of that, she’s moved on. Use your partner’s framework (here, the wine) and redirect to another subject (in this case, wine glasses and friends).

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