Keeping Your Adoptive Family Strong by Keck Greg;Gianforte L.;Soronen Rita L.;

Author:Keck, Greg;Gianforte, L.;Soronen, Rita L.; [Gregory C. Keck and L. Gianforte]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781784500283
Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Published: 2015-03-25T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 6

It’s Not the Child’s Fault, but…

There is probably not a compassionate adult on the planet who would ever blame a child for problems in the family—unless, of course, you talk to an adoptive parent of a traumatized child who has wreaked havoc on an entire household. Additionally, that conversation would have to take place in utter secrecy under penalty of death, ideally while wearing a belted trench coat, dark glasses, and a fedora pulled down low over your brow. After all, how could such a cute little thing generate so much misery and chaos?

Ah, but he can.

Jared was nine when he joined the family of Brenda and Jeff and their two adopted children: Chad, 14, and Bonnie, 12. The two older children had been adopted shortly after birth, so taking in an older child posed a new and different challenge. Brenda and Jeff were aware of the abuse and neglect Jared had endured, so they made it a point to attend special workshops for parenting traumatized children. To supplement their course work, they also read extensively about what it might be like to raise such a child. They were ready—or so they thought.

Jared was nothing like Chad and Bonnie—unless you factored in behaviors such as eating and sleeping, which is where the resemblance began and ended. He wasn’t even like the troubled kids Brenda and Jeff learned about in the workshops, who all seemed to have some redeeming qualities. Jared was wild, rude, and irreverent. He was cold, nasty, and belligerent. He treated his parents and his siblings as if they were his fiercest enemies, and he never passed up an opportunity to remind them that they were not, and never would be, his “real” family.

“He’s a complete jerk and he totally creeps me out,” said Bonnie after the first week.

“I hate him,” announced Chad after week number two.

“What the heck do we do now?” Brenda and Jeff asked each other after a month of utter disruption.

Welcome to family therapy, folks.

Their caseworker immediately referred them to a therapist who had a lot of experience with adoption, trauma, and difficult placements. Typically, the therapist preferred the families to wait until they had spent a longer period of time with their child before taking any definitive action, but an exception was made due to the fear that this particular placement was on the verge of disrupting.

Jared had already experienced three adoptive placements that didn’t work out, and everyone involved with the case wanted to preserve this prospective adoption. Jeff and Brenda were very experienced adoptive parents who had weathered many storms as foster and adoptive parents. The therapist agreed to see the family, including the other children.

After reviewing the historical information provided by both the agency and the parents, the therapist scheduled an appointment. Initially, Jeff and Brenda met with her alone and shared their extreme frustration, admitting that they had no idea how they could go forward with the adoption. After just one month of living with Jared, they were fatigued and terrified of what the future might bring.

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