In Strength: A Friends to Lovers Dark MM Gay Romance (Kings of Boston: Book 3) by Courtney W. Dixon

Author:Courtney W. Dixon [Dixon, Courtney W.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2022-03-30T16:00:00+00:00

Daniel

To be honest, I never expected anal sex to be that enjoyable. Shit, I never expected to have anal sex at all until after Luke and I got together. Once we grew more serious about our intimacies, I definitely wanted more with him. I finally breached his brick walls, and he gave in to me.

I wanted to experience everything with Luke, not just sex. It brought us closer than ever, and it was exactly what I wanted and perhaps what he needed. If sex with Luke didn’t convince him I was serious, I didn’t know what would, but I didn’t do it to convince him. I wanted him in all ways.

While I was happy we finally did it and solidified our relationship, it also brought me back to questioning my sexuality. How could I have missed something in myself this big?

After some extensive research, because I was determined and slightly obsessed—fine, more than slightly— I discovered pansexuality. That my emotional or sexual attachments had nothing really to do with gender. It was certainly a possibility and something to look into more thoroughly. It also wasn’t something I’d have understood as a teenager. So I didn’t think I was gay, but probably pansexual because Luke was the only man I was interested in. But it wasn’t about him being a man. He was just my Luke.

How had I not noticed this before? I was almost thirty-five years old and only facing this now. It was frustrating for a multitude of reasons. One reason was all our lost years. If I had known, he wouldn’t have left me. The other was a puzzle that I constantly manipulated until I got it right, but I remained confounded.

Then again, looking back at my life with Luke and reacting to him when he kissed me or touched my face, I should’ve known then. No, I sensed it, but I didn’t know how to handle it. Then I’d see a cute girl at school and ask her out, and kisses from Luke had been quickly forgotten. I also never looked at men the way I looked at Luke.

In retrospect, I wondered if it was the reason I bombed with women. Was I gay, after all? I mean, I could have sex with women, and I enjoyed it, but were there signs women saw that I didn’t? Perhaps they didn’t know either, but sensed something was off with me. It was so damned confusing, and I struggled to figure it out. What signs did they see? Why didn’t I notice? It would’ve saved me tons of frustrations with women if that was the case.

Did it matter in the end? I really needed to stop over-analyzing. It also didn’t help that Luke was always convinced I’d turn away from him, constantly reminding me of how straight I was. It added to my plaguing doubts.

Regardless, it was Luke and me against the world again. First, we bonded as friends and brothers. Now we bonded through love, and I did love him and always had.

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