I Know How She Does It by Laura Vanderkam

Author:Laura Vanderkam
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2015-05-10T16:00:00+00:00

Be There, Part 3

Go All In

With both partners and children, being there comes down to two skills.

First, we need to seize the opportunities that always exist, even in the craziest lives. No one is so busy that she can’t devote a few minutes to morning snuggles when a small child creeps into her bed. No one is so busy that she can’t give her partner a real hug and kiss before she takes off for work (even at the risk of this leading to “husband time” later on, or right then, if it’s that sort of morning).

When Eileen Haley, who works for a financial firm, first kept a time log for me, she had a tight morning schedule. She got her boys ready by 7:00 a.m., but then, rather than rushing them out the door, she made a conscious decision to play with them for a few minutes. They’d tickle, hug, make faces. Then they’d load the car at precisely 7:10 a.m. Ten minutes may not sound like much, but it’s not nothing. According to the American Time Use Survey, the average mother of kids under age six spends a mere thirty-six minutes per day playing with them. Ten minutes in the morning gets you almost a third of the way there, and sends the kids off with a little levity rather than stress.

You can also try to think of other ways to work bits of joy into your days. A family trip to a playground can be extended with a visit to the ice cream truck. A boring car ride can be made more entertaining with a drive through the car wash. One woman, doing errands with her young son, elected to sit in the parking lot for a while as he sat on her lap and “drove.” She could have quickly ended the fun, strapped him into his car seat, and pursued the rest of her day. Instead, she decided to wait and let him play and giggle for a few minutes.

Second, we need to savor moments as they come. A lot of time and life management is mental. The human brain easily wanders and it wanders more to worries than to happy musings on what a blessed life you have. Such ruminations steal happiness. If a small child wants to snuggle with you, it is madness to ponder the laundry that needs to be done and all the work necessary to get everyone out the door. You can think of that later. Nothing need exist but those little pajama-clad arms wrapped around your neck.

Cultivating such focus is a skill, and like all skills, it can be learned and practiced. You can leave the phone in a different room for a while to lessen its pull. You can get in the habit of listing good things that happened during the day—amazing moments, sweet moments, poignant moments—in a journal at night. Over time, as you record such things, you start to look for them, so you’ll have something to write down.

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