Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff

Author:Judith Orloff [Orloff, Judith, M.D.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-45165-1
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2009-06-11T16:00:00+00:00

Dealing with Frustrating People: Four Rules for Communicating with Patience

When someone frustrates you, always take a breath first before you react. Decide if you want to talk now or wait to calm down. If you're highly reactive and upset, have the discussion later, when you're grounded. Then you'll be more persuasive and less threatening. At that time, use this approach:

Rule 1: Focus on a specific issue—don't escalate or mount a personal attack. For instance, “I feel frustrated when you promise to do something but there isn't follow-through.” No resorting to threats or insults. In an even, nonblaming tone, lead with how the behavior makes you feel rather than how you think the other person is wrong.

Rule 2: Listen nondefensively without reacting or interrupting. It's a sign of respect to listen to a person's point of view, even if you disagree. Avoid an aggressive tone or body language. Try not to squirm with discomfort or to judge.

Rule 3: Intuit the feelings behind the words. When you can appreciate someone's motivation, it's easier to be patient. Try to sense if this person is frightened, insecure, or up against a negative part of themselves they've never confronted. If so, realize this can be painful. See what change they're open to.

Rule 4: Respond with clarity and compassion. This attitude takes others off the defensive, so they're more comfortable admitting their part in causing frustration. Describe everything in terms of remedies to a specific problem, rather than generalizing. State your needs. For instance, “I'd really appreciate you not shouting at me even if I disappoint you.” If the person is willing to try, show how pleased you are. Validate their efforts: “Thanks for not yelling at me. I really value your understanding.” See if the behavior improves. If not, you may have to minimize contact and/or expectations.

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