Drunk with Blood: God's Killings in the Bible by Steve Wells

Author:Steve Wells [Wells, Steve]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: SAB Books
Published: 2013-10-31T04:00:00+00:00

79.

God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling

The ark of the Lord is nothing but trouble.

Remember when the Philistines had it? God plagued them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts, so they sent it to one city after another. But God’s hemorrhoid’s followed the ark wherever it went. (Killing 61).

Finally the Philistines got rid of the damned thing by giving God five golden hemorrhoids and sending the ark to Bethshemesh. But then the Bethshemeshites looked into the ark (all of them?), so God killed 50,070 (Killing 62).

And now David decides to bring the ark back to Jerusalem. During the trip David and his gang of 30,000 were madly singing and dancing away, when the oxen stumbled and the ark started to fall. Uzzah reached out and tried to steady the cart and, in so doing, touched the ark of the Lord. So God, of course, had to kill him.

That was the condensed version. Here’s the story from the Bible.

David arose, and went with all the people that were with him from Baale of Judah, to bring up from thence the ark of God … And they set the ark of God upon a new cart … and Uzzah … drave the new cart … David and all the house of Israel played before the LORD on all manner of instruments made of fir wood, even on harps, and on psalteries, and on timbrels, and on cornets, and on cymbals. And when they came to Nachon’s threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God. 2 Samuel 6.2-7

I guess it was God’s way of saying, “Thanks Uzzah.”

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