Buddha and the Borderline by Kiera Van Gelder

Author:Kiera Van Gelder
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781608820603
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications

Taylor, for all his own stubbornness when it comes to changing himself, understands that this relationship is my in vivo training and that I need a lot of help from him. He also gets that I’m building up a new life from scratch. I warn him that my tendency is to make the other person my world and then lose myself. Taylor says that he’s willing to share as much of his world as I want, and that he supports me in having my own life, as well. The funny thing about awareness, though, is that you can know and acknowledge a problem and yet still make the same mistakes over and over. And so it is with Taylor. I mouth the words “I want a life of my own” and “I need to discover who I am,” but I’m constantly attached to him by this emotional umbilical cord, so I can’t create the distance necessary for having a separate sense of self. If I think about buying a pair of shoes, I wonder if he’d like them. My musical taste now dips toward folk, as that’s what he has in his CD collection. I find that I’m willing to take up motorcycle riding, and even to learn HTML coding—anything that will keep me close to his center. Almost every evening after work I go to his house and spend the night, pitching my Kiera-tent in the midst of his chaos, and actually feeling soothed by the smell of cat pee greeting me as soon as I walk through the door. I find that as long as Taylor is accessible, emailing me when I send a message, answering his phone when I call, and hugging me when I ask him to, I remain on stable ground. But who can do that all the time? As soon as he gets a call from Tanya, doesn’t reply to a message, or doesn’t say the right thing to make me feel special, the sirens go off and I’m…dysregulated, as we now say.

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