Bird Brain by Chuck Mullin

Author:Chuck Mullin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing
Published: 2019-11-18T20:43:38+00:00

I could barely manage to tolerate my own bullshit on good days; the thought of finding someone else willing to put up with me was laughable. Everyone feels a certain degree of awe that their partner chose them, of all the people in the world, but in my case, it felt extreme. My brain continuously reminded me of how ugly and boring I was. I was too much hassle and incapable of doing anything right. Even if by some miracle I did find someone who liked me, keeping up a healthy relationship with them seemed completely unmanageable.

This kind of negative thinking is no longer nearly as prevalent in my mind as it used to be, which wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t start telling myself that I do deserve love, and that I need to embrace it when it’s offered. Sometimes, I still feel like I tricked my partner in some way. Oh, you thought you were dating a functional human being? THINK AGAIN! It’s too late to escape now!! But the more I thought about it, the more I disagreed with the notion that you have to love yourself before anyone else will, or that you can’t truly love somebody unless you love yourself. Love and support from others are crucial to getting better, and they’re things that everyone deserves, despite whatever their stupid mind says.

I’d be lying if I said my mental illnesses don’t impact my relationships, and it’s hard on both me and my partner to cope with them sometimes. But look, relationships are hard work regardless of whether you’ve got funky brain issues or not. They require a lot of effort and upkeep, and you can do everything perfectly by the book but still have rough patches. I just try to view my mental health as something like having a different work schedule than your partner; it’s not something you can necessarily control, but you’ve both got to put in the time to make things work despite it.

True, you can’t rely solely on the validation of others to improve your mental state, but it’s pretty reassuring to have someone who wants to be with you, who isn’t repulsed by your baggage. There’s also no shame in requiring a little hyping-up or comfort from your partner every now and then. Praise is delicious. Feed me compliments until I’m like a fat cat basking in the sunlight. I deserve to have love thrown at me! And so do you! You’re amazing!

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