Be Who You Want by Christian Jarrett

Author:Christian Jarrett
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2021-05-18T00:00:00+00:00

BUT WHAT ABOUT AUTHENTICITY OR “BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF”?

The success of books like Susan Cain’s Quiet, which celebrates the strengths and needs of being an introvert “in a world that can’t stop talking,” shows how strongly people feel that it is important to stay true to who they are rather than changing themselves to somehow better fit the demands of an unaccepting world. As you contemplate deliberately changing your personality, an understandable concern you might have is whether by doing so, you are somehow being fake or not true to yourself. How do you square these two apparently contradictory ideals—the commonly felt urge to change and the widespread desire to be authentic?

For one thing, setting out to change your personality doesn’t have to be an ambition for wholesale metamorphosis. Even quite subtle adjustments to your character could pay dividends. Also, you might wish to accentuate your current traits rather than reverse them. Perhaps you’re already more conscientious than average, for example, and wish to build on this strength. You can also take reassurance from research that has followed people for several months and found those who wish for a different personality, and manage to achieve that change, end up happier in the long run.51

There is also the question of what it really means to “be authentic.” There’s evidence that feelings of authenticity are likely to arise when you behave like your ideal self—that is, the kind of person you aspire to be.52 This suggests that if a shy businessman who wishes to be more extraverted can muster the courage to attend a cocktail party and succeeds in being even modestly sociable, he will enjoy feelings of being true to himself. Similarly, research with couples has found that most important to relationship satisfaction is being with someone who brings out the best in you, helping you to become the person you want to be.53 Other research has found that feelings of authenticity are brought about not so much through channeling some kind of mythical “true self” but, regardless of our traits, through behaving in ways that make us feel happy and good about ourselves, supporting what the psychologists call the “feeling good=feeling authentic” hypothesis.54

Always remember that you are more than your personality traits. You are defined also by your goals and your values and by the people who matter the most to you. It is when you succeed in meeting these goals, living in accord with your values and interacting positively with meaningful others, that you are likely to experience rewarding feelings of being true to yourself—all of which can be aided by the right kind of purposeful personality change.55

Recalling the experiences of Matt, the introvert turned extravert I met at college, I think this perspective on authenticity matches his story. In a sense, his true self when I met him fit the description of a strong introvert. But this disposition was making him unhappy, especially because it was thwarting his powerful, authentic desire to forge meaningful relationships. By setting in

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