Basketball (And Other Things) by Shea Serrano

Author:Shea Serrano [Serrano, Shea]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781683350934
Publisher: Abrams
Published: 2017-11-15T05:00:00+00:00

CARL MALONE: Carl Malone was super into woodworking. He was also super into putting Confederate flag bumper stickers on his truck. “They’re not racist,” he’d say whenever he was asked about it. “They celebrate history.” All of his social media profiles were set to private.

CHARLES BERKLEY: Charles Berkley eventually became a college professor at the University of California, Berkeley. Anytime anyone asked him how work was going he would respond with, “Let’s just say I wish I’d been born Charles Stanford.” He always laughed when he said it. Nobody liked him that much.

BARRY BIRD: Barry Bird wore a sweater all the time. Even when it was hot outside he’d still wear a sweater. Whenever someone would ask him about it he’d say, “Sweaters are my thing. Everyone has a thing. Sweaters are mine.” (Barrys are always super fucking weird. All of them. Barry Gibb, Barry Bonds, Barry Manilow, Barry Williams [the guy who played Greg on The Brady Brunch]. Barry White one time stole $30,000 in Cadillac tires, which is just about the weirdest thing to steal $30,000 of. Even fictional Barrys are weird. Barry Allen was the Flash, and superheroes are inherently weird. Steve Carell played a Barry in Dinner for Schmucks, and his character made dioramas out of stuffed mice. There’s Barry Kripke from The Big Bang Theory, Barry from Pokémon, Barry from High Fidelity, Barry Zuckerkorn in Arrested Development.)

DANIAL LILLARD: Daniel Lillard worked at a Block-buster all the way up until they started mass-closing stores in 2013. He spent a lot of time in the ’90s trying to convince people that he was related to Matthew Lillard, then spent a lot of time in the ’00s trying to convince people that he wasn’t related to Matthew Lillard.

GEORGE PAUL: George Paul made it to the NBA same as Paul George, because guys who have a first name for a last name are generally pretty good at whatever it is they want to do, especially basketball (Michael Jordan, Kawhi Leonard, Tim Duncan, LeBron James, Julius Erving, Isaiah Thomas, Rick Barry, etc.).

TOM DUNCAN: Tom Duncan was a fighter pilot in the Navy. He had really nice hair even though he never bothered to try to have nice hair. Nobody ever said just his first name whenever they talked about him; they always used his full name. “Has anyone seen Tom Duncan?” “Goddamnit, you’re gonna get us all killed, Tom Duncan.” “We’re ordering pizza, Tom Duncan. You want in?” Things like that.

JORGE “THE ICEMAN” GERVIN: He still became The Iceman, only instead of it being a basketball nickname, it’s because he was the fourth biggest ice salesman in the Midwest. “Come on down to Jorge ‘The Iceman’ Gervin’s Ice Depot,” he proudly shouted in his commercials, which only ran regionally. “We’ve got more ice than we know what to do with,” he’d say, as he took a big bite out of a piece of ice he was holding.

IRVIN “MAGIC” JOHNSON: The third biggest illusionist in the Midwest.

JULIUS “DR. J.” EARVING: He became the second biggest furniture salesman in the Midwest.

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