ADHD After Dark by Ari Tuckman;

Author:Ari Tuckman;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Taylor & Francis (CAM)
Published: 2019-06-25T16:00:00+00:00

Neither tendency is better than the other and both are totally common. Those who are more spontaneous can be really good at getting things going, but if taken too far, can feel driven by their sex drive—and their partners can feel run over by it. Those who are more responsive can be better at picking the right time and place for sex, but if taken too far, too infrequently get over that hump to actually being sexual.

If two partners differ quite a bit on this, they can struggle to understand each other’s position, with each wishing the other was a bit more like them. It may help to know that you’re both normal. The more spontaneous partner may benefit from finding out their more responsive partner’s sexual gas and brake and what contexts fan the flames. The more responsive partner may benefit from reminding themselves that even if they are not interested initially, they may find that interest if they allow things to progress. They may also feel less pressured when they just aren’t finding that mood if they allow/encourage their partner to meet their sexual needs on their own. (See Chapter 10: Taking Some Personal Time: Masturbation.)

Two very spontaneous partners will likely have a lot of sex but may not get as much else done, whereas two very responsive folks may find that quite a bit of time passed since the last time they had sex—and then when they do, will wonder why they waited so long. Every couple, no matter their configuration, will have some easy successes and some challenges.

In the section The Sexual Eagerness Cluster in Chapter 2: How ADHD Impacts Sex and Relationships, I talked about how those with ADHD tended to rate higher on most of the survey questions related to sexual interest. On some questions, those with and without ADHD tied, but the non-ADHD folks didn’t score higher on a single one. I suspect that this is because those with ADHD tend to be more affected by sexual stimuli because they don’t pause as much to consider the reasons to not let those sexual desires build. Russell Barkley’s response inhibition theory proposes that folks with ADHD have a harder time holding back a response to the stimuli around them and therefore don’t apply their executive functions as reliably (Barkley, 2005). (This is a really simplified version.) The way that this relates to sexuality then is that perhaps those with ADHD notice and then get stuck on sexually relevant stimuli a bit more while pausing less to consider the other demands or elements of the situation that might discourage them from acting on those desires. Just as someone with ADHD may be more likely to get stuck on their phone instead of doing boring paperwork, they may also get stuck in their sexual thoughts and desires. More research is needed to validate this pet theory of mine, but it’s interesting to think about.

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