Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World by Megan Feldman Bettencourt

Author:Megan Feldman Bettencourt [Bettencourt, Megan Feldman]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2015-08-10T22:00:00+00:00

Forgiveness After Divorce: “I Was Finally Able to Let It Go, and It Freed My Heart Up.”

Resentment after a divorce or breakup is so common that it’s no longer an interesting plotline. (Besides, who could top Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner trying to kill each other while clinging to a crystal chandelier in 1989’s The War of the Roses?) Yet post-split bitterness is as bad for your health as any other kind, only in addition to potentially damaging heart and brain function and lowering mood, it can wreck any possibility of starting a new, healthy relationship. (Bitterness and lack of trust may even be part of the reason that second and third marriages are statistically more likely to end in divorce than first marriages.) If you want proof, just make your most disgusted and hateful face and then check yourself out in the mirror: Is this your hottest look? Not so much.

Many of those I interviewed said forgiving their exes was key to moving forward and finding an even better relationship. Beverly, whose first husband left her after she had a stillborn baby at nineteen, says that forgiving him led to her ability to find happiness with her current husband, Bruce. “I was angry and resentful for years,” she told me. “It tainted all of my other relationships. Around the time I met Bruce, my ex reached out to me and apologized. I was finally able to totally let it go, and it freed my heart up.”

Marie, a retired registered nurse, kicked her husband out of the house after she began attending Al-Anon and realized that she was enabling him by tolerating his drunken tirades and days-long benders. He ended up marrying another woman after they separated, but he also got sober and became active in AA. Years later, he would thank Marie for “breaking his denial.” It took three years and a lot of conversations with supportive friends, but Marie forgave him—before he ever apologized or thanked her for helping him see the light. They remained in touch, and when he did something that bothered her (arriving at a party uninvited, for instance), she found the strength to tell him what was and what was not okay with her, and then forgave him again. This meant their three children didn’t have to act as go-betweens or brace for fights when they all spent holidays together. It also provided Marie with something that not all divorcees can claim: “I can be around him and not have my stomach in knots,” she says. “I’m grateful for that.” While Marie forgave her ex before he showed remorse, the fact that he did eventually acknowledge his mistakes and thank her for pointing them out made it easier for her to reconcile with him and maintain a relationship. If he hadn’t ever showed remorse, she would still have forgiven him, but probably without reconciling and sharing holidays.

The psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, who leads online programs for people in the process of separation or divorce,

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