The Face of Depression by Schatzie Brunner

Author:Schatzie Brunner
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: BookBaby

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Throughout the marriage I had been physically ill. I was treated for a virus, newly-named Epstein-Barr. It left me with a series of continuous respiratory infections and overwhelming fatigue. Only now do I understand the reason I was physically sick. My heart was telling me that my marriage was a fraud, but I was too afraid to listen to it. I ignored every instinct God had given me.

From the time we arrived in Atlanta in 1979, I was physically and emotionally miserable. I probably spent at least ten days of every month in bed with flu-like symptoms, plagued by an overwhelming exhaustion I couldn’t shake. I began to get gamma globulin shots every two weeks from an infectious disease specialist I had sought out. The gamma globulin was the experimental therapy at that time for people with Epstein-Barr. I was told not to expect significant changes in my health for at least two years.

And it took nearly that long to begin to feel better.

One of the other effects of Epstein-Barr is that you can’t think clearly. When I was fighting the virus without any support from anyone, my doctor suggested I go to a newly formed support group for sufferers of Epstein-Barr. Once again I listened to my ego. I went to one meeting. I didn’t go back because everyone was talking about being sick and how awful it was and I wanted to talk about getting better. As I reflect on that time I must have been frightened and feeling helpless. Had I stayed I might have learned skills and tools I didn’t know existed. I wonder what awful thing would have happened in the support group if I had stayed?

Only in hindsight have I realized how much healing is found in talking about your struggle. And the value of that sharing is confirmed by NAMI, the National Alliance On Mental Illness. They have support groups throughout the country and they are a life-saving network of support for families of mentally ill people, helping them precisely because they get to talk about the disease. Thank God I finally understand that message.

Before leaving Lee and trying to figure out how to support myself I spent much of that time painting walls and working on our house. As I worked, the news channel CNN kept me company.

I asked an acquaintance who was working at Turner Broadcasting how to get a temporary job there just as she had. She watched for a posting and when a position for an administrative assistant came along, she called me.

In fact, I had no new friends. I relied on Lee as my only social support. Since we didn’t have children, socializing with the other wives who had young ones didn’t feel like the right fit. And I must have been right, because none of the wives included me in their lives. I was just as happy that my life wasn’t filled with social invitations, because I wasn’t well enough to plan or accept them.

I went

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